my.escape

domingo, octubre 31, 2004

[ 706. What a Girl Wants ]

1. When a girl says she's sad, but she isn't crying, it means she's crying in her heart.

2. When she ignores you after you've done something wrong, it's best to give her sometime to cool down before touching her heart with an apology.

3. A girl can't find anything to hate about the guy she loves (which is why it is so hard for her to 'get over him' after the relationship's over.)

4. If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind every minute of the day, even though she flirts with other guys.

5. When the guy she likes smiles and stares deep into her eyes, she will melt.

6. A girl likes to hear compliments, but usually is not sure how to react to them.

7. When a particular guy flirts with a girl very often, a girl would start thinking the guy likes her. So if you treat a girl just as a friend, go easy on the smiles and stare ok?

8. If you don't like a girl who likes you, break it to her gently.

9. If a girl starts avoiding you after you reject her, leave her alone for a while. If you still treat her as a friend, talk to her.

10. Girls enjoy talking about what they feel. Music, poetry, drawings and writing are ways of expressing themselves (which explains why most girls like writing journals).

11. Never tell a girl that she is useless in anyway.

12. Being too serious can turn a girl off.

13. When the guy she likes calls her for the first time, the girl may act uninterested during the call. But as soon as the phone is back on the hook, she will whoop with joy and immediately start telephoning her friends to spread the news.

14. A smile means a lot to a girl.

15. If you like a girl, try making friends with her first. Let her get to know you.

16. If a girl says she can't go out with you because she has to study, leave.

17. But if she still calls you or expect a call from you, stay.

18. Don't try to guess a girl's feelings. Ask her.

19. Hearing the words "I love you" is a great reassurance to a girl that she is beautiful.

20. After a girl falls in love with a guy, she'll wonder why she never noticed him before.

21. If you need tips on how to flirt with a girl, read romance stories.

22. When class pictures come out, a girl would first check who is standing next to her crush before actually looking at herself.

23. A girl's ex-crush will always be in her memory, but the guy she loves now stays in her heart.

24. Girls love having fun!

25. A simple 'Hi' can brighten a girl's day.

26. A girl's best friends usually know best what she is feeling and going through.

27. Girls hate it when a guy pays attention to them just to get close to their 'prettier' friend.

28. Love means devotion, caring and happiness to a girl, in that order.

29. Some girls care about looks, some care about brains, but ALL girls want a guy who will love and care for them.

30. Girls want nothing more than to feel loved.

Shannon left at 6:35 p. m..

sábado, octubre 30, 2004

[ 705. Saturday ]

Today was a blur. You know of my rendezvous last night, i woke up late today. So late that i had only half hour to reach choa chu kang to meet weilong for enghow's POP. Finally, someone's a 3sg.

"...3sg... i could have been one by now. By today, in fact. Most of my batch's specialists either went AFS then to 160sqn, or went armour. Rarely did anyone went elsewhere. Looking back, there's regrets. Regrets of fear. Fear of hardship, of not being able to take the load in sispec. Well, my friends are out, they did fine. Some even managed to cross over to ocs eventually...."

Let bygones be... gone. Well, the dumbdumb pair, namely me and weilong, took the bus from the interchange, and the penalty was a round trip tour to mindef gombak base. "...Oh great. We're late and now we'll be even... later!" Never mind. The road into sungei gedong camp is just horrendously, super, pathetically, miserly, sadly, crazily, madly... far. It's beyond the cemeteries, beyond that famous emergency runway of singapore. So famous that people may consider destroying that place even before they work on the airbases.

"...rant, rant, go on ranting. Rant some more. Rant!!..."

Ok, not really impressed by the parade actually. Think adsd's mobile columns looks better on any day. But then again, it's their passing out parade, so let's not rain on it. I'm so proud of that guy man. Enghow's dad treated us to lunch at crystal jade kitchen. Lunch of ramen and dumplings. Enough to feed an elephant. That elephant's me. Well... deliberately took a bus down to clementi, so i can kill some time by gettin some shuteye on the bus. Little did i realize i lost something very precious today. Damn. DAMMIT! DAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT!

"... ... ..."

Ok ok ok. I've got enough of this daily narrations of what i did today, where i went today and how i do my stuff. NO. I've got enough. It's becoming an obligation. Once i start writing, i feel that i'm oblige to provide the full stop as well. Not the comma, but the end state too. But it's MY blog! My freedom of expression!

You know something? Each time i feel so burned out, so tired physically, it will take its toil on my emotional well-being as well. Not that i've been very cheerful recently, but i'm just simply... tired.

I've been searching for that meaning in life. No, not that kind where you gain enlightenment. But to find what really makes me tick. I can have all the fun by hanging out with my friends, drown my sorrows with alcohol, or even remain holy by staying close to God each day. But is that what i really want? Tomorrow? Next year? Five years' time? Ten years down the road? Eternally? Is is really what i want? In the first place, what do i really want?

Anyone got a good shrink to recommend?

So tired, so bored of life. Today i just blurred through my entire day. As derek gave me a lift to sengkang, i alighted from the cab feeling muddle-headed as i took a nap on the cab. I hate the feeling of just waking up and being left alone in a semi-conscious state. I guess my life is full of ironies. I want freedom and space, yet i fear loneliness. As i parted the company of garreth, i took 83 to another bus stop to take 88 to aunt's place in pasir ris. The wait was really long. I don't know exactly how long, but long enough to watch how the sky turned from copper sulphate blue to a patch of black. Cars whizzing pass me at amazing speeds, and people standing in front of me, obstructing my sight of oncoming buses. Felt like tapping on the guy's shoulder to ask him to get lost, but i fear. Fear of confrontation, fear of being challenged. I gave up. I stood up instead. I've been reduced to a person who don't dare to voice out, who don't dare to speak up. Why? So that i don't inconvenience people. Weiming told me that i don't open up. I don't share how i feel. I used to be. I used to be very vocal about my feelings and my opinions. But now i'm just so... ineloquent. I can't seem to put across my message the way i want it to. Miscommunications aren't strangers to me. How many times have i got people around me pissed for something wrong that i said? And sadly, i always seems to be the source.

The feeling of loneliness and despair just got to me at that point in time. I wanted to cry.

Cry.

Shannon left at 9:36 p. m..

[ 704. Rendezvous ]

Midnight rendezvous with mervin and gang. The previous three posts were done at his place, and after his sugar-laden nightly chat with kc, we finally got out of his place to pick up the midnight kakis -- johnny and sernyong. Had this sudden urge of going for ktv, hence we arrived at toa payoh kbox. Only to find, for $21+++ per pax, we could only have 90 mikes of boombox blasting. So with the desire still in heart, we proceeded to the hougang outlet which will definitely not close at 1am. Upon destination, the duo (less me and merv) decides against $21+++ option for the cheaper alternative: pool. Well, if anyone was from 4H, they would know better than to play with johnny. So basically, by adopting the winner-stay-loser-out policy, the three of us were simply taking turns to spar johnny on the 9 foot table. Oh yes, we went to the outlet at hougang plaza. Not the Kpool, but the "members only" woodball association. Oh yes, membership's only for a buck, with no need for renewal.

Brought the guys to this teochew porridge outlet near srjc. For the record, it's opposite the lim ah pin road post office (if you guys should know where's it). For a start, johnny and sernyong had this misconception that it's those flavoured congee that you find for breakfast at cantonese outlets, and mervin also never tried teochew porridge before. Well, sometimes we just take our heritage for granted i guess. Something that i took for granted is the fact that everyone knows what teochew porridge is all about, just as others expects us to know their culture as well. We youngsters are kinda incomprehensible at times. We do so well for inter-racial interactions and harmony, yet know so little within our own race, differing by dialects only. Such irony. Back to the porridge, it was good plain stuff, with the usuals (for me): boiled sotong, pig's intestines, tau pok, salted eggs, salted vegetables, minced meat. 2 bowls of plain porridge each, and the total set us back by $18 odd. Rather steep, but i guess it beats taking the overly advertised chomp pang nasi lemak.

Oh yes, forgotten to mention this. Mervin parked his dad's car at the HDB carpark opposite hougang plaza as we had our pool game. As we return to the car after the game, the carpark warden (every car owner's nightmare) was just booking the car next to mervin's. Suddenly all our faced paled, and we chepat lari to the car, with that warden staring at us, probably wondering to book us or not for not displaying a coupon. In mervin's haste, he drove the car out, turning to the wrong side into a dead end. Then, he made a series of awkward turns before we finally got out of that carpark. What luck, it's definitely mervin's lucky day.

Shannon left at 9:35 p. m..

viernes, octubre 29, 2004

[ 703. Word of God Speak ]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

This song somehow touched me that day when i was really low, really down. Like that first line, i'm really at a loss... only to find God still there to tell me, it's ok.

Shannon left at 10:19 p. m..

[ 702. Shark Tale ]

Shark Tales ended with the sharkslayer admitting that he's not a hero, and he became a hero for telling the truth. Well, this is a movie of cliches: The world of the good (fishes), the dark side of the evil (sharks). The interaction bewteen the two, one dies, another don't. Materialism, blinded by worldly success, this little fish chanced upon the accidental death of a shark, and claimed the murder of it. You know... when big fish kill small fish, it's no big deal. When small fish kill shark... it's BIG news. Riding on the success and wealth of his new found popularity, he got into trouble when he had to face the sharks again. Then at the end of the day, moral values rule the day: he told the truth, and still remained a hero by reconciling the good and evil.

"What the...."

Yeah, it's just so cliche right?

Let's not talk about that. Been a very fast week. Weeks ticked by without me realizing it. Days spent in that windowless room, preparing for AOE is simply so tiring, so demanding. Amazingly met most of the tasks given upon me, which i found surprising as well. Never been so effective for a long time i guess. Whew. However, most days are really draining. Mentally, that is. Even woke up late for work today. For the FIRST time. Maybe i'm not used to sleeping in the new bunk. Hmmmm. Nonetheless, i'm just praying that AOE will be over soon. It's really taxing. That two weeks break that my boss is taking will be the perfect break for myself too. Imagine no files to compile, no typings to do for two weeks. How nice.

Shannon left at 9:44 p. m..

miércoles, octubre 27, 2004

[ 701. Tuition ]

It's yet another midweek, but time has flown by so fast, that i feel so burned out. Been busy with the annual evaluation's preparations. Lots of things to prepare, lots of charts to draw. Lots of things to print, lots of details to note. Furthermore, my students are going to take their 'O' levels next week.

Pretty tired.

Had a long talk with weiming on monday night.

Ok, i'm going off.

Shannon left at 9:08 p. m..

domingo, octubre 24, 2004

[ 700. Post NS ]

Been reading some blogs. Some people's talking about post NS paths. It's different. Different from the kind of choices we use to have. It's no longer going into which secondary school, even though you had to make your choices before the exams back then. It's no longer about going jc or poly, or for that matter, doing which course or subjects. It's not even about which school to go to. After jc it was even simpler: there was no choice to NS. The only apparent choice we had was either to chaokeng during bmt and hope for a sengnang posting or chiong it all out and get a command position.

Now it's different. It's not a matter of whether i'll be schooling or not, which is the question of most poly students. My grades guarantees me a place in the local uni. In fact, i was offered three places at NUS & NTU collectively, and i've secured a place at fass in NUS. But frankly, i don't know what i want. I applied to school of comms studies at NTU, but failed to get beyond the interview. I'm interested in the productions of media works, edging over towards the technicalities rather than the scope itself. Journalism, especially photojournalism would be a great option as well, except that my imbecile mastery of both languages proves disadvantageous to me.The interviewer apparently did a misjudgment of me by recommending that i try for school of design and media instead. God knows if she knew i did rather badly for my art (though i'm still pretty much a whizz at my craftworks.)

I did apply for the MOE teaching scholarship, and to cut the long story short, i failed that one too. So badly that i didn't even qualify for the local study award. Somehow that hit me rather badly, even though mom thought it was no big deal anyway. Being a veteran in the local teaching field, i have to say i pretty much trust her judgement when she advised me strongly not to take up teaching as my primary career goal. Otherwise, aim to work at the HQ rather than the frontline with the schools.

Mom offered me alternatives as well. She suggested that i try applying for other scholarships next year. Perhaps its the green mania, i actually have half a mind to sign on even though i have million and one complains about every single thing in the army. SPH seems like a good idea, if i truly wants to pursue what i really want to do. But then again, i have my reservations. It has always been my advocation that one should not pursue a career in the area of his main interests, for fear of career killing interest. With such highly stressful environments like that of Singapore, whatever interests that you first harboured before you pursued the course could jolly well be history even before you obtain your degree, much less step into the office. Well, mom gave me another alternative, the most far fetched one, ironically. She sort of challenged me to go Beijing to pursue my degree. Strictly speaking, she's not out of her mind. Beijing do have some really outstanding and recognised universities (e.g. Qinghua Uni & Beijing Int Uni) But alas, the language barrier is too much a barrier that it becomes a challenge. Will i cope? I wonder.

Just say that the choices are many but decisions are few. Well, that's me for you. I need to start thinking.

Shannon left at 7:46 p. m..

[ 699. Ops Room ]

With each day, and with my low treshold of verbal needles and high sensitivity, I feel that i'm drifting from these dudes.

It all started that very day dy screamed at me over the vacuum cleaner incident. Somehow since then, it has always been a three-on-one kind of situation. It's always the mature trio, versus the yet-to-grow-up copa. The S.H.E. fanatic, Donkay & lawyer-to-be versus da kid. And it's not any kid. it's THE kid. They tell me, if i didn't want people to look upon me as a kid, then don't act like one. And i tell you: it work both ways, friends. If in your heart you decide that i play a kid, i will always be one. There's nothing adult about me to you, if your mindset doesn't change.

There are incidents which i'm wrong. Like the way i put off getting the disseminations signed. It's a pain catching people by their collar just to get them so sign something so simple. It makes me feel like a bug. Whenever i see someone to sign something, i feel like i never got good news for them. What makes things worse? I can't even explain anything whenever questions arises. Like when my jokes get abit too lame. And they found that the jokes were more personal rather than humourous. Like when the things i say translate a different meaning from what i intended. Now this is not new. And as usual, i'll be flustered, eagerly trying to clear my name only. There after, the cycle of guilt, worry and solitude would follow. Like i said, it will be a cycle and it starts all over again sometime later.

I know i'm the latest addition, and relationships need to be worked upon. I know my personality is not that of an attractive one. I know my interests differ vastly from them.

I'm biting off more than what i can handle. I'm taking a break. I need it.

Shannon left at 7:11 p. m..

[ 698. Sundays ]

As usual, i was late for service today. For the very reason that i had to help mom with some documents stuff. Promised to help her again later on, though i do have some errands to run (again) as well.

Cancelled tuition today mainly due to two reasons: I was tired, and i haven't prepared for tuition. Called and settled on tuition tomorrow instead. Furthermore, had this impulse of wanting to spend time with the brothers today. No, not even with chris who i always hang out with almost every sunday that i'm available. But with the brothers.

Something just snapped me. Perhaps its the ever familiar feeling of loneliness and yet not alone, but i know these guys will be there for me. I know God will be there.

"...I come into Your courts with praise, i bow before Your throne
Your presence gives me peace within, and the joy i've never known
So i give to You, my heart and soul, may it brings You pleasure Lord
There's no higher call, than to worship You, for You alone are God
I worship You Almighty God, there is none like You
I worship You O prince of peace, this is what i long to do
I give You praise, for You are my righteousness
I worship You Almighty God, there is none like You..."

It struck me. This very song that almost brought me to my knees today. I was greatly distracted by thoughts, yet so convicted by the love. The love that i've missed out so far. The love that was given so freely, yet i didn't cherish it so humbly.

Sometimes i wonder if it's too late. But i know it's not, though although i sometimes feel it is. I'm taking it step by step, little by little. I need a sign, a sign that i'm moving on, a sign that i'm getting it. Well, i miss the fellowship, frankly speaking. Seeing how the brothers are getting on so closely together sometimes made me feel bad. Reminded me of how i actually turned my back initially. People offered, i rejected. Life of love, fun and happiness were more inviting than the joy i'd have gotten.

That's the sole reason, i guess. The reason why i chose to stay and hang out with the brothers. Frankly, i miss them. I miss those times of fun and aimlessly walking around after service, after lunch. Never had a place in mind, but we always find novelty in things to do. It never ran dry.

Brothers, i do miss you guys. Really.

Shannon left at 6:52 p. m..

[ 697. Midnight Spree ]

It's been a long time since i last saw those guys. Face to face. Photos i see them every now and then, when i reminscence about those good old school days, and i take out the class photos and take a peek or two. Much, they haven't changed. The same spectacles, the same persona, the same distinct extra-fied language he use. Nonetheless, it was a good time doing a get-together. Trust me. We left merv's place at about eleven, picking johnny up at his place first before sernyong at raffles city. From town, we zipped over to bedok for their minced meat noodles, before flying over to upper seletar reservior to take a breather at the viewing tower that mervin had plans for. Oh my, view's beautiful, alas, it was in the middle of the night. Apart from the 84 steps of stairs, everything else's a wonderful scenery. Water, trees, and a tower just tall enough to see a vast green landscape with minimal hints of the urban singapore. Sometimes, it's just wonderful to escape into the little natural areas that we still have and forget all about the pigeon holes that we are so used to cooping ourselves in each day. Next on list was one prata shop along upper thomson road. According to johnny, the food is supposed to be good, but whatever impression that we have of the food was nullified by the pathetic service they give. Or rather, there was only one poor indie who was the waiter-cashier-server to over twenty tables. Then again, if you can't afford the manpower, don't afford to open twenty four hours. You'll only tarnish your own reputation. The prata's quite nice actually. Tried one of those overly advertised exotic pratas, this time, the mushroom cheese. Taste like some sort of lasagna, but the unneeded presence of onions made it taste... wierd. Anyway, the price's steep as usual. $12.70 for 6 pratas and 4 teh tariks definitely not really worth the money and abuse. The guys eventually made the final stop at my place to play cards. Between a void deck and a comfy home, i guess anyone would have chosen the latter. At least we would run zero risk of polic checking ids. I do look underaged, ya know. Haahs. So well, i put up with my tiredness till four, before they went on playing, and god knows what time they left my place. Oh well, my home's almost like mervin's fourth home, since nee soon camp is his second and kc's house is the third.

Shannon left at 6:10 p. m..

[ 696. Week ]

I know i haven't been blogging for the whole week. I'm having guilt trips over it. After 2 whole years of blogging, the last time i actually not blogged for such a long time was when i first entered tekong.

My whole week would have to be pretty happening, comparatively speaking. In short this was how it went:

Boss was on exercise the whole day. But when i opened up his office, i found quite a stack of work that he left for me to do. Spent half the day clearing his work, while the other half on SSG Ow's whiteboard 'decorations' as well. He's been chasing me for it since god-knows-when, so i decided to be nice to him and finally settle down on his work.

Tuesday was about the same, except RSM had a little project for me. Took the entire day, but even i myself was pretty impressed with the product i came out with. Singlehandedly. =)

Wednesday was the bad one. We had a Bn run in the morning, so boss came back to run with us. Just after the run, BSO (who was on DO duty that day) came down and hunted for me to help him. For? Calling up this guy from CMTL to top up his car. So i left the cool down phase to make the call. Boss had his usual story telling session after the warm down, and realized that i wasn't there. Maybe it's because of that, he was like jokingly admonishing me in front of the battalion, when he was just trying to make a point about securing classified documents. I was furious when i heard about it. Someone even commented that i was famous overnight. Notorious was more the word, i felt. So in short, i was so peeved, i didn't really step into the office the whole day. Rather sit in the ops room and face those people there.

Had tuition after work, and then for the first time in my life, went zouk.

A few things i learnt while dancing in the moonlight:

1. Cabs cannot, and will not be found by you anywhere else apart from the taxi stands in town.
2. Smokers take Fisherman's Friend. Especially the lemon flavour. Perhaps the reason why they called it Fisherman's Friend was because all fishermen used to be smokers. Maybe?
3. Eric told me cover charge for zouk was $25. I come to realize that includes the cab fare i took from dhoby ghaut.
4. One jug of vodka lime costs $48. That's a jug filled with ice to the bream, and then a little vodka, and lots of lime, but not to the bream.
5. One jug doesn't last one round of table games for 10 minutes.
6. I HATE BOURBON COKE. YUCKITY-YUCKITY-YUCKITY-YUCKS.

In short, clubbing are for those who are willing to fork out money to go into a place where music can almost burst their eardrums, mildly alcoholic drinks that cost 5 times their cost price, and dance in the place where you bump into someone else every other minute.

Lastly, dirty dancing is so prevalent that night. Though we didn't do it, (due to the obvious lack of girls), but you could like see ti everywhere else. It was the perfect setting and with a perfect excuse why it could be done that night. When you have a hall that packed to become a fire hazard, dirty dancing would actually be your greatest break. =pPpP.

Saw a couple of people there actually. Saw eddie, who was happily doing his pole dance around the big thick pillar. Saw su jiaxian who was happily doing some people-watching while standing at the edge of the dance platform. Saw suraj whom i tried to parted company almost the moment i saw him. And saw peicheng whom i didn't know can dance at all. Hahaha.

After the entire clubbing saga, me, eric, terry, darren, aylwin, jj and ssg hsu went for some bak kut teh nearby. The soup is good, but i can't say so for the price. Then again, they run the monopoly at that time in the night, so no one really contested against that. We just ate, paid and went home after that. =/

That left me with a sleep debt the next day. Rudely awakened by my handphone at ten, i had a sudden craving for macdonalds breakfast, and being the impulsive guy i am, i went. Did a bit of errands before hitting the bed again. Then, i went down beach road to sew on my rank on the No. 3, which i badly need for monday's Forum. The rest of the day was spent in lull and lazing round my bed and my bunk.

For the first time in eons i actually turned up for shepherding. Somehow i just felt compelled to go down. No, it wasn't impulsive, cuz if it was, i would have backed out at the last minute. Went, and as usual people are late. No complaints though, as thankful should be the word since people turned up straight after booking out. Jason taught the lesson of "attitudes that cause a renewal". Let me talk more about it. It has always been sensitive of me to conclude that the lesson was targetted at me, especially when i was a younger believer. Due to the erosion of faith and time, or perhaps a greater understanding (since i've taught before as well), somehow i couldn't care less nowadays since at least half the people are feeling the way i do. But somehow i got that feeling that night. No doubt, i'm in need of it, but it's the challenge that scared me. The challenge of doing what is right, and going back to where i used to be. I'm trying, though i'm not there. The very fact that i'm talking about it is not because i'm feeling bitchy (surprisingly i haven't done that in a long time), but because i felt the need for me to log this.

Departed with some thoughts with garreth. That nice boy offered a ride to tampines, but in the course of the journey i witness some sort of an interesting conversations between him and his parents of which i'm not going to publish.

Spent the night at a friend's place playing mahjong. Went home in the morning, only to incur more sleep debt. Slept till CG time in the afternoon, which we were told to bring some secondary school photos. And so i resorted to bringing class photos since i was no fan of photography back in secondary school days. Guess joseph did me a great favour for the category of bring a momento from secondary school days by bringing the yearbook. YEAY!

Watch the Manchurian Candidate with merv, dy, weiming and wenfei yesterday. Shan't comment much on the movie. Yes, because i can't. Haha. But something else's disturbing me. Something in me is just green (with envy) that the trio is actually rather happy by themselves... and each time i join them there seems to be some communication vacuum: nothing to say, no topics of discussion. Perhaps it's due to our vast differences in interests, but i don't see much commons among the three of them actually. Well, even between me and mervin, we don't have much of a common topic (trust me), but i see the effort to communicate. Well, i guess i just have to attribute it that among ops room people, i'm like the latest to join the family. If it was a family in the first place.

Ok, i've acquired an extension on my sleep debt since mervin, me, sernyong and johnny went on a round the island eating spree last midnight. And since mom's bugging me to get off the com i shall blog it later.

Shannon left at 9:25 a. m..

domingo, octubre 17, 2004

[ 695. 2046 ]

Watched 2046 today with DY, Weiming & Eric. If you asked the gullible me, my first impression of the movie was some sort of a futuristic movie about how the world may function 50 years later. But when in fact, i guess Wong Kar Wai is toying with that idea, while making other relations within the movie such as the guest room number (2046) and such. 2046 is a concept; an ideal place. Not exactly a time on the line, but rather a place with a name.

Essentially the movie is not for the simple. Trust me: i had difficulty connecting concepts within the movie. Actually one hting about me, i'm always more interested in the cinematography & directing of the movies more than the plot itself. Understanding the plot is always secondary to me. I have to applaud Wong Kar Wai for this movie. Conceptually challenging, and with a lot of implicating scenes. Successful artistic attempts made. Graphics for the train... no comments. Storyline not that fantastic, could be pretty draggy and repetitive (unneccesarily).

Let's explore a little about the plot. Something that was mentioned during the movie was this thing abou writing stories. Whenever one writes a story, one inevitably writes in what he has experienced, he feels, his views and what nots into that story. In short, it's a mirror to one face of his life. Something i saw from a site: "Think about it. Every modern form of entertainment. Is it not about peeping into the world of someone else? Every story you tell, that you share, with friends or acquaintances, is it not a disclosure of either your knowledge or experience? Are you not baring yourself naked for someone else to examine and review?". How true.

Ok, that's all for food for thought. I getting zonked out. I slept less than 3 hours in the past 41 hours. Don't ask why.

Shannon left at 1:45 a. m..

viernes, octubre 15, 2004

[ 694. Weekend ]

Ok, having been forced from fast from using the computer, somewhat it kills the urgh and the discipline to keep on blogging. Just like now. Though I have the laptop and an access to the net at the comfort of my room (alas for the broken down air con), but somehow i'm just speechless at what to blog here.

Well. Talk about some stuff that happens during the week.

Let me go on blabbering and bitching about how everyone thinks i'm really slacking in the office everyday. Somehow i'm just tired of defending myself, or rather, people are just thinking i'm making excuses. No doubt i'm the relatively least saddled with piles of work, bear in mind i draw the least allowance as well. Whenever i'm working, i sit in my office, away from the throngs of people that go in and out of ops room each day. And whenever i can, i'll take a breather by walking in to that cell, take a seat and look as if i have nothing to do.

BUT YOU GUYS ARE WRONG!!!

How many times you come into my office and i'm reading newspapers or my comics, even though they lie around on my table? How many times you see me staring into space in my office? Or do you guys see me working on one stuff or another? When you guys can't catch me in the office, does anyone bother to give a thought as in i could be running despatches all over the camp? No. No one. Disseminations cannot be signed if i just sit in office and wait for people to come to me and sign their stuff. Hello... i'm just a ~~private~~ lance corporal (as of tomorrow). Don't expect officers and warrant officers to come to you to sign stuff right? I even felt bad when 3SG Santa told me to stay put and she'll come up and collect the mess fund from me at my office. What shame i felt. (And how nice is she. =p)

Well, i can't deny that i'm slack nonetheless. True, i get less tasks than other ops room personnel, but then again, i'm the most greenhorn around too. So give me a break ok. Stop calling me slack when you guys don't see what i do for my boss, or when i pop in just to take a breather, or even if i pester you guys into going for breaks (everyday) and such. PLEASE.

Oh heck, why should i even care? Because i'm just so sensitive. S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E.

Ok, jon's coming over to my place for mahjong, i need to go take a toilet break first. Tata. =)

By the way, i'm promoted. Yeay.

Shannon left at 8:14 p. m..

domingo, octubre 10, 2004

[ 693. Late Night ]

You know you're getting sentimental and all melancholic when it's late at night, and you start reminiscencing about those good times you had when you read with envy about other people's lives. The truth is, the same may apply for those out there that read yours.

Read through a lot of blogs today, rather, skimmed through them. Ever since i missed out a lot due to the lack of access, i've been speeding my way through those lengthy entries each time i surf the net. Some blogs, i totally give them a miss cuz in the first place, i forgotten the urls. Anyway, i happened to read a couple of blogs in detail, and realized how much i missed out.

Especially in church.

Reading about times of fellowship, days of writing cards, and keeping one another in prayer and in thoughts. About a year ago, it wasn't miraculous to see the guys hanging out, either studying or simply walking about orchard after service. Pre-service events were a norm as well: from simple breakfast, to prayer times or quiet devotional/fellowship times. Things have not changed, they still do it now. Difference is, i no longer fall into the picture of such. Why? How has things been different, since i said things actually haven't changed much?

The fact is: i changed. Turn of events made me fearful of returning, cynical about how God would actually accept me. The truth is i can't accept myself, that's why i thought that God won't take me back. Fear that going to care group each week makes me feel shallow when everyone else has a loadful to share, to care, while i have none. Fear that i will disappoint others with my speech and actions when in the first place my apparent absence has already disappointed some. Worse, i feel forgotten even when i'm with them during service, though you could fault me for not making the effort in the first place. I truly want to feel belonged sometimes. Sometimes.

It's all a big self-pity party, i guess. Who can i blame? Myself. Who can i cry to? Myself. Or maybe... God.

Back to the tangibles first. Each week we go through the same routine. Friday, bowen would message for saturday's caregroup. I would entertain the thought of going for it, then decided to arrange some outing so it could be an excuse. Otherwise, i'll agree, only to back out a couple of hours prior to the event. Well, i'd think they are used to my modus operandi, and hence it occurred to me that perhaps it didn't matter whether i turned up or not. Only bowen, or enghow bothers to message me each week just before the event. Feel touched, and yet so upset that it's only these two. But then again, like i mentioned, i'm in no position to feel upset. Only myself to blame.

I've hurt lots of people during the past year. Not those minor ones with one-liners of insults, but major ones that you won't want to know the details. Jason. Derek. Marcus. Weilong. Garreth. I don't know will i ever forgive myself for that. Perhaps that why it's been said that personal obstacles are the hardest to overcome. A paradigm shift is required; if not status quo cannot be avoided.

Thoughts and memories of those good old days back last year. When i had freedy, when pioneering was my priority. When i was more passionate about inviting my juniors and freedy's friends for events, and also to hang out with rachel's 'brother' so as to try to bridge him to christ. When omega was all about pure, wholesome fun and everything that happened, happened for a reason and that reason was not merely about self-fulfilment. It was for fulfilling a greater cause. Now all that is history, not because God forbids, but because i blocked it.

When will i ever recover from my own falls? Instead of sitting there and sulk, cry and whine, i really wonder when will i have the courage to face up to God and see all my wounds being cleansed, and start all over again. Maybe soon, maybe never. That God will know, if i'm willing. If.

It's one of those late night revelations, when you start thinking about issues you have been hiding all along, and never had the chance to share, to talk about. There are many many things that i need a listening ear for, but sometimes i cut myself short. I get all jittery, and start getting obssessed with what others think. What if they think i'm such a weakling, such a whiner? What if they hold my words as blackmail? What if they tell others what they shouldn't tell? Can i trust them? Can i.....? I'm going crazy. And believe it or not, i contemplated su..... argh, forget it.

Think i better get to sleep because i make myself more miserable.

Shannon left at 1:17 a. m..

sábado, octubre 09, 2004

[ 692. Saturday ]

Seems hard to get people out nowadays i think. I'm a sucker for company. But sometimes it simply irks me when people take advantage of that fact and demand that i do all the liaison jobs and they just sit there and appear and look pretty for the event. Yeah. i may be a party organiser, but sometimes i'd appreaciate it if people could spring me a surprise by being initiative for the FIRST time. (And by initiative, i don't mean asking me if i wanted to play mahjong, then ask me to gather the people.)

Anyway, the week's kinda... bland. Something really bad happened yesterday. Ok, it was a small incident but somehow i don't know why it hit me big. Think it's just one of my mood swings la. I should have gotten over it by now.

I'm bloggin from.... Changi Airport T2 MacDonald's this time round! Well, the places kinda cool, with all the changes within just a year. Last time this year, the spot that i'm currently occupying used to be Burger King. And the Popeye Chicken (that i so loved) has moved to Terminal 1. And yes... the student crowd seems to have faded this year... though i have to say that they are still ever prominent at all the eateries you can find all over the airport.

Coming to the airport really brings back memories. Good or bad, i really don't know. That's the beginning of my realizations, but yet also my troubles and sorrows. Issues i went through are simply so much so much, and at the worst time you could have imagined: my 'A' levels. Well, thank God i didn't do that bad for my exams then. But you could say i could have fared better. Nonetheless, it's memories, memories unique to me. Something that i could say i'd rather not have went through, but perhaps it's also a learning experience, a discovery period for me as well.

Time to move on, time to move on.

Shannon left at 4:43 p. m..

martes, octubre 05, 2004

[ 691. Diva ]

Yeah. Another remoting site for me. Broadcasting directly from kelvin's house! Yeah. Ran all the way from yishun to queenstown to visit ikea again. Decided to drop by his place since he said he needed to make a trip home. Well, anyway his room is small and cosy. Somehow it's rare to find another guy with a room neater than mine. Haha.

Then again, it's easy nowadays now that i rarely got the time (and heart) to clean my room. Yeah.

And also, there's not many guys that you can find more than 4 S.H.E posters on the walls. DY got FIVE. Congrats. Think cody and shunping can fight with you. Muahahaha.

It has been a long day, and as usual it was accentuated with rsm's presence in my office life. Something just tells me that if this continues i can't guarantee my own mental health. In short, he's driving me nuts.

Oh yes, enough of that before i get into one of my bitchy routines again.

Weiming called me a diva. Could you believe it? Well, in short we shot him back. Wenfei and i think HE'S the diva in the ops room. Go figure. =)

Haha. i'm feeling so much better now. Lalalalalala.... =pPpP

Shannon left at 7:53 p. m..

sábado, octubre 02, 2004

[ 690. Titleless ]

This time round, i'm reporting directly from mervin's home -- exactly one floor below where i used to stay 7 years ago. Well, currently listening to this song composed by one of my junior. Yong Heng De Ai. Loosely translated as Eternal Love. Well, guess how mervin's sister got that song? Simple: My junior's her boyfriend. Lolx. Anyway, so far the week has been bad. I've got a case of wisdom tooth. Ouch. And another case of rsmthritis. Yeah. I haven't really been catching up on blogs. Forgive me dudes, i lost access to the web on my computer. So whenever i have a chance to go online, the amount of stuff to read is so overwhelming, that i don't know where to start at times. Well, that's not such a major issue after all. I read what i like. So sorry dudes if you're not on the charts today. Haha.

Oh less than a week before enghow returns from the land of xiang ji pa. He has been telling me how much he crave to try the cutlets from taiwan, courtesy of the ninja vans oh so familiar to our native armyboys. So, hopefully he'll da pao one packet for me as well. Muahaha. Ok, he still owes me a birthday present so i'll kick him back to ROC if he comes back with none.

Jokes aside, today i'll be gallivanting down at ikea, hunting for my photo frames. My ideal frames for my photos. It's time for some decent recognition for my photos. Not at my office, but at my home. My walls. Kelvin has the honour of accompanying me down to ikea, so we can very much look for some improvisions for our little office. And hansel's ("damned") concert comes up after that. To make him feel bad, i've decided to miss my church dinner for HIS concert. He better prove his worth man. (haha... what i didn't mention is that the 50 bucks complimentary ticket was a very big deciding factor as well... kekeke...) =p

Ok, mervin's waiting for me for lunch for what for that. Whatever, i'm getting incoherent. And yes, i'm going Genting end of this year again...! Wheee!!

Shannon left at 1:52 p. m..

[ 689. RSMs ]

I think all rsms are screwed up. Regimental they think they are, yet not so when it comes to different groups of people. Fakers, liars, a bunch of them. I declare war.

Shannon left at 1:44 p. m..

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.

domingo, octubre 31, 2004

[ 706. What a Girl Wants ]

sábado, octubre 30, 2004

[ 705. Saturday ]

[ 704. Rendezvous ]

viernes, octubre 29, 2004

[ 703. Word of God Speak ]

[ 702. Shark Tale ]

miércoles, octubre 27, 2004

[ 701. Tuition ]

domingo, octubre 24, 2004

[ 700. Post NS ]

[ 699. Ops Room ]

[ 698. Sundays ]

[ 697. Midnight Spree ]

[ 696. Week ]

domingo, octubre 17, 2004

[ 695. 2046 ]

viernes, octubre 15, 2004

[ 694. Weekend ]

domingo, octubre 10, 2004

[ 693. Late Night ]

sábado, octubre 09, 2004

[ 692. Saturday ]

martes, octubre 05, 2004

[ 691. Diva ]

sábado, octubre 02, 2004

[ 690. Titleless ]

[ 689. RSMs ]

the guy

his wishes

his horizons

people.

tags

gone. will i be back? i don't know. maybe i've started elsewhere. maybe never. again.

domingo, octubre 31, 2004

[ 706. What a Girl Wants ]

sábado, octubre 30, 2004

[ 705. Saturday ]

[ 704. Rendezvous ]

viernes, octubre 29, 2004

[ 703. Word of God Speak ]

[ 702. Shark Tale ]

miércoles, octubre 27, 2004

[ 701. Tuition ]

domingo, octubre 24, 2004

[ 700. Post NS ]

[ 699. Ops Room ]

[ 698. Sundays ]

[ 697. Midnight Spree ]

[ 696. Week ]

domingo, octubre 17, 2004

[ 695. 2046 ]

viernes, octubre 15, 2004

[ 694. Weekend ]

domingo, octubre 10, 2004

[ 693. Late Night ]

sábado, octubre 09, 2004

[ 692. Saturday ]

martes, octubre 05, 2004

[ 691. Diva ]

sábado, octubre 02, 2004

[ 690. Titleless ]

[ 689. RSMs ]

the guy

his wishes

his horizons

people.

tags

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.