my.escape

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.

sábado, octubre 30, 2004

[ 705. Saturday ]

Today was a blur. You know of my rendezvous last night, i woke up late today. So late that i had only half hour to reach choa chu kang to meet weilong for enghow's POP. Finally, someone's a 3sg.

"...3sg... i could have been one by now. By today, in fact. Most of my batch's specialists either went AFS then to 160sqn, or went armour. Rarely did anyone went elsewhere. Looking back, there's regrets. Regrets of fear. Fear of hardship, of not being able to take the load in sispec. Well, my friends are out, they did fine. Some even managed to cross over to ocs eventually...."

Let bygones be... gone. Well, the dumbdumb pair, namely me and weilong, took the bus from the interchange, and the penalty was a round trip tour to mindef gombak base. "...Oh great. We're late and now we'll be even... later!" Never mind. The road into sungei gedong camp is just horrendously, super, pathetically, miserly, sadly, crazily, madly... far. It's beyond the cemeteries, beyond that famous emergency runway of singapore. So famous that people may consider destroying that place even before they work on the airbases.

"...rant, rant, go on ranting. Rant some more. Rant!!..."

Ok, not really impressed by the parade actually. Think adsd's mobile columns looks better on any day. But then again, it's their passing out parade, so let's not rain on it. I'm so proud of that guy man. Enghow's dad treated us to lunch at crystal jade kitchen. Lunch of ramen and dumplings. Enough to feed an elephant. That elephant's me. Well... deliberately took a bus down to clementi, so i can kill some time by gettin some shuteye on the bus. Little did i realize i lost something very precious today. Damn. DAMMIT! DAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT!

"... ... ..."

Ok ok ok. I've got enough of this daily narrations of what i did today, where i went today and how i do my stuff. NO. I've got enough. It's becoming an obligation. Once i start writing, i feel that i'm oblige to provide the full stop as well. Not the comma, but the end state too. But it's MY blog! My freedom of expression!

You know something? Each time i feel so burned out, so tired physically, it will take its toil on my emotional well-being as well. Not that i've been very cheerful recently, but i'm just simply... tired.

I've been searching for that meaning in life. No, not that kind where you gain enlightenment. But to find what really makes me tick. I can have all the fun by hanging out with my friends, drown my sorrows with alcohol, or even remain holy by staying close to God each day. But is that what i really want? Tomorrow? Next year? Five years' time? Ten years down the road? Eternally? Is is really what i want? In the first place, what do i really want?

Anyone got a good shrink to recommend?

So tired, so bored of life. Today i just blurred through my entire day. As derek gave me a lift to sengkang, i alighted from the cab feeling muddle-headed as i took a nap on the cab. I hate the feeling of just waking up and being left alone in a semi-conscious state. I guess my life is full of ironies. I want freedom and space, yet i fear loneliness. As i parted the company of garreth, i took 83 to another bus stop to take 88 to aunt's place in pasir ris. The wait was really long. I don't know exactly how long, but long enough to watch how the sky turned from copper sulphate blue to a patch of black. Cars whizzing pass me at amazing speeds, and people standing in front of me, obstructing my sight of oncoming buses. Felt like tapping on the guy's shoulder to ask him to get lost, but i fear. Fear of confrontation, fear of being challenged. I gave up. I stood up instead. I've been reduced to a person who don't dare to voice out, who don't dare to speak up. Why? So that i don't inconvenience people. Weiming told me that i don't open up. I don't share how i feel. I used to be. I used to be very vocal about my feelings and my opinions. But now i'm just so... ineloquent. I can't seem to put across my message the way i want it to. Miscommunications aren't strangers to me. How many times have i got people around me pissed for something wrong that i said? And sadly, i always seems to be the source.

The feeling of loneliness and despair just got to me at that point in time. I wanted to cry.

Cry.

Shannon left at 9:36 p. m..

the guy

xuan shannon male single 030985.
ntu cs year1 / vocalconsort tenor2 / hopesg nyc ntub1.
msn me.

his wishes

new clothes, new shoes, new bike, new friends, fantastic grades. ~~macbook, ipod nano, nokia n80, new wallet.~~

his horizons

malaysia, penang. australia, brisbane/gold coast. thailand, hatyai. malaysia, genting. malaysia, johor. malaysia, melaka. thailand, chiangmai. australia, perth. canada, edmonton/cold lake. australia, rockhampton. thailand, bangkok. austria, vienna. czech rep, olomouc. austria, salzburg. germany, munich. switzerland, zurich.

gone. will i be back? i don't know. maybe i've started elsewhere. maybe never. again.