my.escape

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.

domingo, octubre 10, 2004

[ 693. Late Night ]

You know you're getting sentimental and all melancholic when it's late at night, and you start reminiscencing about those good times you had when you read with envy about other people's lives. The truth is, the same may apply for those out there that read yours.

Read through a lot of blogs today, rather, skimmed through them. Ever since i missed out a lot due to the lack of access, i've been speeding my way through those lengthy entries each time i surf the net. Some blogs, i totally give them a miss cuz in the first place, i forgotten the urls. Anyway, i happened to read a couple of blogs in detail, and realized how much i missed out.

Especially in church.

Reading about times of fellowship, days of writing cards, and keeping one another in prayer and in thoughts. About a year ago, it wasn't miraculous to see the guys hanging out, either studying or simply walking about orchard after service. Pre-service events were a norm as well: from simple breakfast, to prayer times or quiet devotional/fellowship times. Things have not changed, they still do it now. Difference is, i no longer fall into the picture of such. Why? How has things been different, since i said things actually haven't changed much?

The fact is: i changed. Turn of events made me fearful of returning, cynical about how God would actually accept me. The truth is i can't accept myself, that's why i thought that God won't take me back. Fear that going to care group each week makes me feel shallow when everyone else has a loadful to share, to care, while i have none. Fear that i will disappoint others with my speech and actions when in the first place my apparent absence has already disappointed some. Worse, i feel forgotten even when i'm with them during service, though you could fault me for not making the effort in the first place. I truly want to feel belonged sometimes. Sometimes.

It's all a big self-pity party, i guess. Who can i blame? Myself. Who can i cry to? Myself. Or maybe... God.

Back to the tangibles first. Each week we go through the same routine. Friday, bowen would message for saturday's caregroup. I would entertain the thought of going for it, then decided to arrange some outing so it could be an excuse. Otherwise, i'll agree, only to back out a couple of hours prior to the event. Well, i'd think they are used to my modus operandi, and hence it occurred to me that perhaps it didn't matter whether i turned up or not. Only bowen, or enghow bothers to message me each week just before the event. Feel touched, and yet so upset that it's only these two. But then again, like i mentioned, i'm in no position to feel upset. Only myself to blame.

I've hurt lots of people during the past year. Not those minor ones with one-liners of insults, but major ones that you won't want to know the details. Jason. Derek. Marcus. Weilong. Garreth. I don't know will i ever forgive myself for that. Perhaps that why it's been said that personal obstacles are the hardest to overcome. A paradigm shift is required; if not status quo cannot be avoided.

Thoughts and memories of those good old days back last year. When i had freedy, when pioneering was my priority. When i was more passionate about inviting my juniors and freedy's friends for events, and also to hang out with rachel's 'brother' so as to try to bridge him to christ. When omega was all about pure, wholesome fun and everything that happened, happened for a reason and that reason was not merely about self-fulfilment. It was for fulfilling a greater cause. Now all that is history, not because God forbids, but because i blocked it.

When will i ever recover from my own falls? Instead of sitting there and sulk, cry and whine, i really wonder when will i have the courage to face up to God and see all my wounds being cleansed, and start all over again. Maybe soon, maybe never. That God will know, if i'm willing. If.

It's one of those late night revelations, when you start thinking about issues you have been hiding all along, and never had the chance to share, to talk about. There are many many things that i need a listening ear for, but sometimes i cut myself short. I get all jittery, and start getting obssessed with what others think. What if they think i'm such a weakling, such a whiner? What if they hold my words as blackmail? What if they tell others what they shouldn't tell? Can i trust them? Can i.....? I'm going crazy. And believe it or not, i contemplated su..... argh, forget it.

Think i better get to sleep because i make myself more miserable.

Shannon left at 1:17 a. m..

the guy

xuan shannon male single 030985.
ntu cs year1 / vocalconsort tenor2 / hopesg nyc ntub1.
msn me.

his wishes

new clothes, new shoes, new bike, new friends, fantastic grades. ~~macbook, ipod nano, nokia n80, new wallet.~~

his horizons

malaysia, penang. australia, brisbane/gold coast. thailand, hatyai. malaysia, genting. malaysia, johor. malaysia, melaka. thailand, chiangmai. australia, perth. canada, edmonton/cold lake. australia, rockhampton. thailand, bangkok. austria, vienna. czech rep, olomouc. austria, salzburg. germany, munich. switzerland, zurich.

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.

domingo, octubre 10, 2004

[ 693. Late Night ]

the guy

his wishes

his horizons

people.

tags

gone. will i be back? i don't know. maybe i've started elsewhere. maybe never. again.

domingo, octubre 10, 2004

[ 693. Late Night ]

the guy

his wishes

his horizons

people.

tags

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.