my.escape

lunes, enero 31, 2005

[ 781. JGL ]

Photos overdued.

Shannon left at 9:35 p. m..

[ 780. Loving Memory ]

In loving memory.

Shannon left at 8:35 p. m..

domingo, enero 30, 2005

[ 779. Personality ]

You know this quiz? Yeah, i ripped it off from eric. I was wondering how come he got an 'A-' personality. And when i tried the quiz, viola! Another goal for the egomaniac!

You Have A Type A Personality

A

You are hyper, energetic, and always on the mood
You tend to succeed at everything you attempt
And if you don't succeed at first, you quickly climb your way to the top!

You could be called a workaholic, but you also make time for fun
As long as it's high energy and competitive, you're interested
You have the perfect personality for business and atheltic success

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

Shannon left at 10:03 p. m..

[ 778. Aurora ]

Heard this song over the radio just now. Ya know, songs never fail to catch me each time i'm feeling down. This song "aurora" by angela zhang shao han. Anyone has it? Let me know. I want. =)

Shannon left at 9:55 p. m..

[ 777. Perfect ]

Strangely i feel very much at peace when i was typing the previous post actually. I just can't resist a fight, if you ask me. No, i'm not going to spar with him physically. You know i'll lose.

666 is the devil's number; 7 is God's perfection. Let this entry be a peaceful one then.

Shannon left at 8:22 p. m..

[ 776. Outburst ]

I'm appeased.

I'm definitely not feeling honoured that i've been devoted one entire post by eric.

===

"Change is good, well in most cases. I've seen changes that done incredible results to the surroundings, societies and relationships. The air, the weather, the traffic, the buildings, the forest, the nature, the food, the games, the technology, the environment, the government, the people, the friends, the relationships. It's ever-changing in every moment. What saddens me is that the change brings a whole new definition to the people that you have to face everyday. People change. Their face, their size, their looks, their hair, their clothes, their speech, their attitude, their behaviour. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. What is this? A season of disappointment? One after another just keeps on coming and coming. I can't breathe!

Something that I read last night makes me close to frustration and thus causing me to keep on tossing and turning in my bed. I couldn't sleep. How I wish I can rip off my chest and scream! Something Xuan wrote in his blog bothers me damn a lot. I know whatever that I'm writing now will NOT help in the already strained friendship, in fact, it might make everything even worse! But I have to get it off my chest before I start to break down.

He changed. For the better? I seriously doubt. To me, he is taking everything for granted. The miraculous friendship between him, Hansel and I is perhaps, just a joke. That very day I saw Hansel's disappointed eyes after having to borrow Xuan's 11B in bunk saddens me. Your sleep is important. Which means Hansel's work is just a piece of shit. Do he have other choice other then borrowing your 11B to work? He don't even have an OA account! Why force him to look like a dog, scrambling through your wallet and uniforms to source for your 11B? So what if you are his upper study? If you think that death mail which he had sent out cause a hell out of you, then just take it as a mistake. He just took over as COPA from YOU! If you think you did a wonderful job, then CO wouldn't push you BACK! If you think you are flawless, then why are you back in the platoon? You've changed Xuan! Changed!

So you think that the mail cause a great reputation issue to you. Have you ever put yourself into Hansel's shoes? So you think Hansel is totally comfortable with all the retort he had received. He is seriously in a deep stun after that issue. You were self-centred and you know that I've told you that. But now you are worse from that. You are arrogant. You totally disregard others feelings and even those whom we sit through together thick and thin. Perhaps the last decision of posting you out as a COPA was a mistake. Terrible one.

Let me remind you that the Signal Office is NOT your office anymore. It's our platoon's office. Inviting either of the "S-ess" (S1, S2, S3 or S4) to our office is no longer your call. Have you thought of the rest of the platoon's feelings by "inviting" them in? I can answer for you. NO! You know we don't like either of the KAH or PSO or whatever-you-want-to-call in our office. We DON'T like to be under watchful eyes. We DON'T!

What attitude you have by wearing whatever you like and walking around buah long long in the unit when the upper management is not around? What's with the "I'm very important" or "I'm indispensible in the unit" attitude? What makes you think that people still welcome you around? You were a COPA. Been there done that. An ex COPA. The keyword is EX! You are no longer a COPA so it's time to pack up your fucked up attitude and get on with life.

You think I'm peeved just because of the stood up you did. I tell you, it's much more then that. MORE then that.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm losing my trust. I'm weak. I'm alone. I'm lonely."

===

I'm not going to give you the superifical kind of reply, eric. I'm not going to pretend that i didn't read that, nor am i going to tell you that i'm not angry. I AM angry. I am upset.

This is your prerogative, your freedom of speech.

I'm not going to stop you from saying that, nor am i going to give you a point by point rebuttal. In fact, let the bastard in me paraphrased what you've just said and make it MINE speech instead.

Apparently, Eric seems be have a problem with the things i've said and done ever since i've returned to signal platoon. Something i wrote in my blog bothers him so much that i couldn't sleep. Whatever that is written now will NOT help in the already strained friendship, conversely, it WILL make everything worse. Likewise, i want to say my piece as well.

I, xuan, have changed. For the better? You'd wish. To eric, i am simply taking everything for granted. Maybe i have been taking this friendship between him, hansel and myself as a joke, purely as a transaction. That very day eric saw hansel's disappointed eyes after having to borrow xuan's 11B in bunk saddens him, apparently. Yes, MY sleep is important. in fact, it's more important than hansel's sleep. Why does he have to bother me with every single crap problem that he faced? Does hans have any choice other then borrowing my 11B to work? Hans doesn't even have an OA account! Maybe it pleases me to make hans look like a dog, scrambling through your wallet and uniforms to source for my 11B? So what if i am hans' upper study? Yes, the death mail which hansel had sent out cause a hell out of ME, and it was too big a boo-boo to dismiss it just like that. Well, hans' just took over as COPA from YOU! For how long? three feaking weeks. All i could say was that i've done my best in that job, and if boss doesn't like me, too bad for me. And that's why i'm back in signals. I never thought i was flawless, i just can't be bothered to amend those. Why are you back in the platoon? It was a command decision. I can't wait to post out. Yes, i've changed, if it pleases you, eric.

And eric, if i really think that the mail cause a great reputation issue to me, i would have screamed at hansel that very day and stormed into CO's office and said i didn't send that. How many other people have i complaint about the mail to apart from BSO and wo benson? You ask me if i have ever put yourself into Hansel's shoes? Yes i did: and i think he has to learn certain things by himself. Simple philo of mine: if i've learnt a lesson the hard way, there's no way i'm gonna let you do it the simple way. Hello... eric, try stepping into my shoes if you want to. So you think that i assume Hansel is totally comfortable with all the retort he had received. He is seriously in a deep stun after that issue, and so i could see. The world doesn't revolve around me, you told me. Now i'm worse? Perhaps. In you eyes. I'm arrogant. I have totally disregard YOURS and HANSEL'S feelings and even those whom we sit through together thick and thin. My only mistake was NOT to go to brunei. At least i'd have good and pleasant memories to keep.

Yes, signal office is our platoon's office. Inviting either of the "S-ess" (S1, S2, S3 or S4) to our office was never my call. Wow, i actually have the honour of being able to invite a cpt to our office to see see look look!! Aren't you honoured?! Fuck you eric, i NEVER invited any of them to our office for you info. And i'm telling you, NO! Haven't you realize that i ALWAYS mak it a point to RUN to their office rather than THE other way round? If you guys don't like either of the KAH or PSO or whatever-you-want-to-call in our office, that i can understand. You DON'T like to be under watchful eyes. Neither do i.

Just because on thursday i came down to office in vest-slack you said i was being buah long long. Oh yes, i should have came down in uniform and started playing risk on the computer as well eh? What's with the "I'm very important" or "I'm indispensible in the unit" attitude, you'd ask. You answered your own question: I AM arrogant. What made me think that people still welcome me around? Because i was a COPA. Been there done that. An ex-COPA. The keyword is EX! I am no longer a COPA so you tell me it's time to pack up my fucked up attitude and get on with life. Oh, too bad TURPA is not a recognised position if not perhaps you won't be so lonely as well. If you think that being the COPA has inflated my ego, arrogance and bitchiness, it did. But what's worse is that being a COPA's good friend back then , you have FAILED to lend a hand and advise me accordingly whenever i need help or a listening ear. All i get is just criticisms and complaints and countless numbers of "you deserve it" speeches. Eric, people don't like to dwell around people who are too self-righteous. Don't blame others if you're lonely.

If i did any wrong, it has to be that i chose to vent my frustration on hansel. It's childish of me, to vent my frustration of one on the other. I'm sorry, hansel. I'm really sorry.

You're more than peeved that i stood you up. Of course, i'm not as naive as to think it's a standalone incident.

I'm a proud bastard, an arrogant jerk. I need no friends, i'm an island. My social side is just a facade, everyone is just someone for me to make use of. I view life like a game, the more points i get, the better the chances of winning i have.

SO ERIC LIM WEI, ARE YOU FREAKIN HAPPY NOW?!

Shannon left at 7:28 p. m..

[ 775. Mahjong ]

Spent half the day with the cg people having cg at river valley, before i headed down to centerpoint mac to try out the wireless internet connection over there. Junting told me that she couldn't get it there, but i could. Muahaha. Nonetheless, i headed home for mahjong, which lasted me for the entire day....

I'm so beat now.

Shannon left at 10:04 a. m..

sábado, enero 29, 2005

[ 774. Clubbing ]

Supposed to meet up zhichao, carl and paul for a coffee night and catching up session, but we wound up at a club. As usual, paul was the earliest for the appointment, and you guessed it: zhichao didn't appear due to some "last minute things cropping up".

And you know zhichao definitely won't turn up when the following happens in the particular sequence:

1) He messages to say he somewhere far (e.g. he's still at home one hour after the appointed time.)
2) You message him to ask if he'll turn up at all, and he doesn't reply.
3) You call him, and he doesn't pick up his calls.

Ah yes... his modus operandi came into picture again today. So paul carl and i settled at chinablack, unknowing that ntu business sch was having their bash tonight. Nonetheless, we still went in to take a look. Wasn't so crowded at ten plus, so we took our leave and went for some supper before returning at midnight.

When we returned back to chinablack, i thought i saw a long lost good friend. At that instance i couldn't recall his name so i just lost sight of him. Back to the dance floor. Expectedly, the dance floor was crowded. Found a little space by the side and the trio started hopping away on that floor. One moment we were surrounded by guys, and before we knew it, those guys were outnumbered by girls. Felt kinda uncomfortable for fear that you may grope something that you shouldn't touch. Haha. Lucky for us, there was still some space.

Saw a couple of people like chris, chengxi (both from sr) and his twin bro. Then guess what, i saw that long lost friend again and this time i remembered his name: TOON REN. This guy used to be one of my best buddies around in youth... and when he left i was really upset. Though we still kept in contact for a brief period of time, but somehow things just didn't felt the same. Nonetheless, after chatting with him for a couple of minutes we parted and i started remembering a lot of questions that i've been wanting to clarify with him. Hope i can find him some time again and have a good talk.

I'm tired, i'm gonna sleep.

Shannon left at 2:40 a. m..

viernes, enero 28, 2005

[ 773. Pig ]

Ok... this is sorta offensive. To some. Muahahaha...

I find it cute though. ;)

Shannon left at 8:40 p. m..

[ 772. Xmas Dinner ]

Signals xmas dinner!

Shannon left at 8:33 p. m..

[ 771. Sketches ]

This was the photo we took for the farewell dinner we held for mx.

Shannon left at 8:32 p. m..

[ 770. Trio ]

Shannon left at 8:31 p. m..

[ 769. Random Pics ]

These just don't fit anywhere.

Shannon left at 8:29 p. m..

[ 768. Helmet ]

The return of the grassy helmet. =)

Shannon left at 8:27 p. m..

[ 767. Midnight Oil ]

I've been burning the midnight oil for the past three nights. Yeah, you heard me right, midnight. As some may know my div is holding an open house sometime in march. Being the organising unit, inevitably you'll have a leg or two in some stuff.

RSM was tasked to do the decor; BSO for the comms; S2 for security and so forth. I was roped in to help RSM out. Think that he overrated my artist ability. He actually asked me to conceptualise the decorations for some areas. Spent quite a number of hours over the last three days in his office thinking beyond those three-point flags. I casually mentioned balloons, which i thought perhaps may be too carnival-lish for them, but to my surprise he was actually enthused by that idea.

This job was actually tasked to ssg aw & eddy, but somhow i was roped in, like i said. Didn't mind helping though, since we were dealing with one of my favourite pastime and eddy was friend. Maybe some miscom ensued in the way, i didn't really get quite what eddy told me that rsm wanted, and apparently rsm told me different things from what i heard he told ssg aw who told eddy. Typical case of broken telephone. So heck, i just did what i heard from rsm with my own renditions of what i want to see.

Monday was my precious day off, but tuesday was when the mad rush started. Spent half the morning sorting out some papers to be sent for printing, and started on the comms matters pertaining to the open house. (fyi signals has always been associated with sound and pa systems.) Rushed off to meet chris to have a mini celebration with her, before running back to camp to continue working on the net diagrams and such till midnight. Wednesday was more eventful: went down to CAB with S2, before running to beach rd for lunch and purchasing some flashlights for the helmets. Then i pranced around camp to take some videos of some training, as well as zipping down to jurong island for another part of the training. Ending at nine plus, i headed back to camp by eleven and continued working on the both the decor concepts and comms stuff with eddy till one. Thursday was another out detail day, this time to the printing centre to obtain a form, before i spent the afternoon napping and sorting my mails. Running out for dinner with eddy, we continued working on the decor stuff (amendments this time) till around midnight again. Shan't talk about today; you can guess.

Whew. I'm tired, yet feeling quite full. Though eric's not talking to me, and i'm rather pissed at hansel for always bugging me for my 11b so that he can use my mail, somehow i'm just feeling ambivalent. Wonder if that should be the right way. Perhaps i'm just trying to numb my relational problems with work, but sometimes i'm just so feddup with dealing with friendship issues all the time.

Ever since hansel has successfully sent a suicide mail to all in unit via my account, i've been very wary of letting him use my account since then. Though he signed off that mail in question by his own name, the recoil i received affected me nonetheless, even if it's addressed to him. And just yesterday he rudely awakened me from my much needed afternoon nap merely added stones to this already strained relationship. Perhaps i'm still rather irate by his inability to seek help from elsewhere apart from his upperstudy (i.e. me) and his request of my leaving my 11B with him until he gets his repaired. Nonetheless, think i'm merely being an idiot to him. On the other hand, eric's still pretty peeved (as you can see by his comment 2 posts beneath) for my non-attendance last week. So much so that he refused to go to the mess with me the other day. I'm tired to bug him, but think my issue with him should return to normal after he finishes his cold war with bso.

Been working on some photos over the past week. Will be posting those long overdue photos too.

Cheers, i'm meeting zhichao and carl. =)

Shannon left at 7:07 p. m..

lunes, enero 24, 2005

[ 766. Contents ]

Ok, i have to talk a little about my extended weekend otherwise i can't live up to my title of being the boring blogger next door.

I spent friday sleeping at home and going for caregroup.

And pissing eric off.

And i missed meeting her up.

I spent saturday at home sleeping, and ssg erig called to play mahjong.

And i missed meeting her up.

I spent sunday in church and going to attend zhichao's commissioning parade.

I'm so proud of that dude.

And i missed meeting her up.

I spent today in mom's school. And i'm going down to NTU to meet mabel and watch Mingxiu's table tennis match vs TP.

And i'm gonna miss meeting her up.

Shannon left at 3:03 p. m..

[ 765. Fly Kite ]

Ok, let me acknowledge the fact that i've read eric's blog. Especially the post about how i actually flew his aeroplane in favour of a mahjong session that never came to past.

So he's pissed. He thinks that to me he's replaceable and insignificant. He thinks he's unimportant to me. He thinks he's just another COTS (commercial off the shelf) friend of mine. Well, he thinks too much.

"..."

I'm not gonna explain, but those that know me definitely knows that doesn't reflect what i truly take him as. Just that my actions somehow gave him a certain conclusion.

I'm not going to defend myself; his fury should cease in a couple of days' time. With a little help of mrs field's cookies. =) Plus lots of whining and sulking.

Shannon left at 2:40 p. m..

[ 764. Service ]

Pastor Henry Tan from Full Gospel Assembly came to preach yesterday. Preaching about the kingdom come; our expectancy of the Kingdom of God, and our perception and ownership over his kingdom. Ok, as usual i struggled to pay attention during sermon, something which i lost ever since i entered army. This verse really caught me:

2 Peter 1:5-8
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith excellence, to excellence, knowledge; to knowledge, self-control; to self-control, perseverance; to perseverance, godliness; to godliness, brotherly affection; to brotherly affection, unselfish love.

Somehow i realized these things i used to possess, one by one, i lose them all. Losing them to carnality, losing them to worldliness values. Especially self-centeredness. Love, i guess it's back to where i truly started: it's really hard to love people especially after you've been through a hard time. It's easy to love those that love you, but those that hurt you and hate you, will you love them?

I failed that acid test.

And i just simply told God...

"God, i need a breakthrough. This year."

Shannon left at 1:27 p. m..

sábado, enero 22, 2005

[ 763. Stone ]

You scored as Garnet. Fired-up, full of energy and rearing to go, garnet-girls (or guys :-P) are blessed with inner passion and strength. They would rather not give up on what they want and are generally very exciting people :-). Also, tell me if Im wrong, but the garnet-type personality is often accompanied with good health, as which the gems themselves promote.

See All Results/Comment

Garnet
60%
Peridot
57%
Ruby
57%
Topaz
57%
Aquamarine
50%
Athemyst
43%
Celestite
40%
Emerald
40%

Which Mystic Gem Stone Relates To You?
created with QuizFarm.com

Shannon left at 10:00 a. m..

[ 762. My Age ]

You Are 20 Years Old

20

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Shannon left at 9:55 a. m..

[ 761. School ]

Guess what? I'm in school today! Hahah... that sounds so odd... coming from me right?

Well, the fact is: I'm IN school! In my mother's school today!

Yeah... that's where i get my internet access. Muahahaha. Since mom needed to run back here to finish up some errands i was thinking perhaps i can tag along and satisfy my craving for some online action.

Ooh... mom is so sweet!! She went to the pantry to get a cup of coffee for me...!! *grinz* I love you mom!~

Did my first guard in 5 months... wow. Haha... I'm so tired after the whole night of guarding the stupid place. I mean, eric chose a perfect shift for me that i could not sleep beyond 1 hour at each slot, and then the following morning when i got home, i could sleep beyond another 2 hours then i had to leave for CG. Haiz... what a tired boy i was the day before.

One highlight of yesterday's CG was the discussion about how analogous is prayer to blogging? Think about it.

Oh the bright side, i spent 2 hours on the phone with agnes yesterday! Soooooooo miss that girl... so much easier to RFI! Hahaha...

Shannon left at 9:26 a. m..

jueves, enero 20, 2005

[ 760. Blogfeast ]

You know what? I feel as if i'm fasting from blog. So now i'm FEASTING on blog. Incessantly blogging about three or four times the moment i got my hands on this computer. Muahahaha.

Not having a computer can be a bane, i tell you. Not having internet can be totally horrific, i tell you. The feeling just sucks. Remove cigarettes from a habitual smoker is about as analogous as me without a computer with internet access. So much so that i resorted to playing heroes 4 in order to waste my time at home. Grrrrr.

LTA stanley once told me that he found felix's and eddy's blog. Upong further reading, he commented that he found it rather boring that people do blog about what they do every single day. "That why would people want to know what the hell you do everyday?!" to paraphrase him. It's the most comment complaint, i guess. Telling you:

Freedom of speech, it's my prerogative.

Each time i blog about my day, i think about those happy moments that happened along the way. Those interesting conversations i have with eric. That very late dinner that i had with eddy. The friday night dinners and chitchat sessions with weiming at jubilee mos burger. The train rides home with enghow after service and those dreaded (to him) guitar lessons. Those heavnly moments and feelings i get during service. It doubles the joy i guess. Just brightens up my day and ends it with a good note.

I really, really miss my photos ok. But i guess i'm not missing them as much as i'm procrastinating to smuggle them to camp to edit on BSO's laptop. And i'm losing my photoshop skills. Sheeeeet.

Oh did i tell you? Cafe cartel's waffles are really nice. Had a taste of it when eddy ordered it for the late night dinner the night before recall. Think he regretted it. Muahahaha.

Shannon left at 11:49 a. m..

[ 759. With All I Am ]

Into Your hands I commit again
All I am for You Lord
You hold my world in the palm of Your hand
And I am Yours forever

Jesus I believe in You
Jesus I belong to You
You're the reason that I live
The reason that I sing with all I am...

Shannon left at 11:45 a. m..

[ 758. Spec Mess ]

I'm sitting in the mess right now, blogging and trying to get some quiet time for myself. Pretty monotonous recently, with the exceptions of more dreams. Was kinda forced to clear off yesterday afternoon, and hence i went home to sleep. Dreams. More dreams. Can't really remember the details this time round, but it's about some camp scenes. Countless number of people being charged with awol and many other reasons. Everywhere i walked around the unit, people are being handcuffed. That's as far as i remembered. Think it was more like a nightmare.

As i was on my way home midday yesterday, this feeling of melancholy just overwhelmed me. My ears and soul plugged to this worship CD that they gave me for my birthday last year, i just stumbled upon my past 3 months. Upon reflection i knew i appeared happier in recent days, ever since i stepped down as the copa. However, something within me just didn't compute. Was i truly happier? That i didn't know. Maybe. Most likely not. I don't know why. Or maybe, i'm still seeking God's guidance on this.

Something that i've been pondering a lot was about this application that i've made. Yes, it was a rush decision; but given the slated efficiency of the authority concerned, i have no choice but to apply for it now if i want to play my cards right. Moreover, since eddy's apply for it as well so we just submitted our applications together. No, i'm not divulging details to those that don't know, but just to reassure those that know: i have weighed the pros and cons and it would not be a baseless decision. At the end of the day i might not take up the offer as well. So dudes, don't worry about me. And ed... may the best man win. Muahahaha.

Shannon left at 11:03 a. m..

domingo, enero 16, 2005

[ 757. Internet Down ]

Hey hey... if you're wondering how come i haven't been posting recently, the main reason's probably because i've terminated my internet connections at home. Yes, i'm blogging from a internet cafe at meridien. Haah.

Realized that my blog is somewhat like means of communication between me and anyone out there. It used to be more, ummm, personal. well, perhaps blogs were never meant to be secret in the first place.

It's my perogative, my freedom of speech.

Well, it's been a bad week for me. Felt pretty uncertain on a lot of issues. I know it's bad to feel so low at the start of the year, and i know it's definitely not God's workplan for me this year either. I've told a couple of close friends about my plans. Dad's going for an op next week, and mom's not exactly in the best of health either, and so to speak. Nonetheless, i'm trying to stay optimistic and hopeful with God about it. It's easy in speech, hard in action. Now i really feel it.

I had two really weird dreams this week. The first was on wednesday. Can't really remember much of that dream, but it was something like joseph, sharon and myself were stranded in a strangely familiar place. Except, we didn't know where we were. Somehow our aim was to look for a transport out of that place, and head to somewhere more familiar. There were escalators, glass, and shops everywhere. Common brands like cafe cartel, macdonalds etc could be sighted. It was like a glass-made shopping center. Then, we found a bus company along a roadside shop of that shopping mall, where we made several enquiries and found that there was a last bus headed out of that place. We were excited, but joseph and myself realized we had no money on ourselves. Sharon paid for us all. Couldn't remember where was it heading, but all i remembered that the bus was leaving in like 10 minutes time. And at that time, i really needed to go to the toilet, and i just ran off, telling sharon that i needed the toilet. Sharon screamed after me and reminded me to hurry as the bus was leaving soon and don't miss that bus....

The second was more recent, more vivid. The scene seems familiar too, looked like the bishan flat that i used to stay in. I was being apprehended by somebody, and i was desperately running down the staircase. Each floor that i pass through gets harder and harder to move by. There were three mattresses lying on the staircase on each storey, and i had to dunk under or climb over them as i ran down the stairs for my life. And there was a floor that i had to hide under one mattress as that person was running too near. As the thugs moved the mattress around effortlessly looking for me, i had to roll around and hide myself from them. Then as they abandon the site, i continue running towards the ground floor. When i reached the ground floor, i realized the staircase entrance was sealed, chained and padlocked. It was those old kind of metal gates that you could compress to the side to open and pull towards the center to close. So i ran back to the second storey and jumped onto the grass patch. I wasn't injured, but i realized that i forgotten to bring my passport. So somehow (which i couldn't remember), i ran back up to my flat and took the whole stack of passports and envelopes which were lying on the table. And the same routine of running towards the first storey starts again. To save time, when i reached the fourth storey, i jumped off the the fourth storey, and amazingly i was unhurt. Somehow i could just stand up and run towards the main road with my stuff. I tried to flag down a taxi, but could not do so. There were a lot of taxis, but none wanted to stop. Finally, a taxi with a old customer stopped. The old frail uncle got off the taxi, and somehow my heart cracked. As i helped him off the cab, i was wondering how come i'm helping him to get off the cab at the place of death? Why did i let him do what he wanted, instead of pulling him back onto the cab and run together? Well, i told the driver to drive me all the way to a faraway place. Sounds weird, but that driver told me that he needed to go home to get his passport first too. And i agreed.

I'm really confused by the dreams. No point trying to decipher them, i know, but somehow the second one really hit me.

Selfish.

Yes, i realized i've been very selfish. I've been dwelling on it for the whole week. Seems like a topic of the week for me. Somehow the words "The whole world doesn't revolve around you" just got stuck on my head. It was the second time i heard it, and i was really heartbrokened to hear that. But, that wasn't groundless accusations, which may have made things worse. Perhaps it's the way i realized i needed to fend for myself ever since some time ago. Feeling low and down, i constantly needed company. And most of the time, i realized i always get my way somehow. It's like the inate ability to be domineering, and doing things that i stand to gain. I'm more concerned about how others think of me, rather that me thinking of others. Even here. I'm more concerned about who reads this blog, rather than whose blog i read. Gee, for God' sake i didn't even know that felix has broken up with his girlfriend. It seems like i'm one of the last guys to know. And to think, i used to talk to him quite often. What the heck.

Time's up, i'll be back.

Shannon left at 3:37 p. m..

domingo, enero 09, 2005

[ 756. Service ]

Never felt so refreshed during service at all. Perhaps it's the feeling of an all-time low for the week, and spirituals never fail to lift up the contrite heart.

It's what they call the power of God. Soothing to the ears, soothing to the heart.

Thank you, God.

=)

Shannon left at 4:41 p. m..

sábado, enero 08, 2005

[ 755. Dinner ]

Was out the entire day, from cell in the early afternoon to popping by youth service with enghow and derek in mid afternoon. Then, enghow went to his granny's, while derek and i settled at S11 for a late lunch. Or maybe a 'lunner', as derek's lunch and dinner combined. Originally wanted to settle at isle cafe, but derek decided that the food didn't look as appetizing as it did before service. Muahahaha.

Well, sauntered to the orchard library, hoping to ease my lazy bum on one of those cosy benches in the library per se, or at least at the galilee cafe. Only to find them infested by insurance agents, housing agents, students and even female groupies. Had to settle for a nice little spot on the floor, leaning by this chocolate coloured pillar, while half praying that the librarian will miss me and not ask me to get up. I don't want an embarassing situation. Thankfully, no one dizzed me while i was doing my two hour reading of "Defending the Lion City".

Linked up with merv and kc, then we proceeded to palm beach restaurant for dinner with merv's parents and sis. It's like at One Fullerton. Even the parking's expensive. Five bucks per entry after five. But anyway, the quality of the food at palm beach is really fantastic. Typical chinese cuisine, but no way you can easily find just one crab that weighs about 2kg and fed 6 people. Even the prawn was like deep fried to perfection in oat and almond. So much so that you can devour the entire thing leaving only the head. Yes, the shells are so crispy that you can crunch them like any other chips. Shared a couple of bowls of yam paste for desert. One of the best i've ever eaten in a restuarant. For one, you can see the yam bits amidst the paste, as well as traces of sweet potato. No coconut milk were added, and hence making the paste's taste even more authentic... those that you buy from desert stall, they compromise on the yam and supplement the taste with the coconut milk... so cheapo.

Aww... thank you auntie and uncle for the meal!!! Haha... i know it's cost quite a bit, but really appreciate it a lot!! thank yooooooooouuuu!!! =P

On a serious note, i guess the reason for meal today is because merv may be leaving for indonesia for relief work... i mean, you can really see the worry on his parent's and kc's face. Just hope that this dude will take good care of himself... all the best, dude.

Shannon left at 10:09 p. m..

[ 754. Swollen ]

Gladly, i have no hangover this morning. Just simply showed that i merely had a sip too much. Hands are pretty swollen, porbably due to the alcoholic effect. Had it the previous time i went to zouk with eric and company.

Think i really hit the limit last night. Bygones, bygones. Let this week be a new and great one. =)

As my friend, don't ask me about what happen. The world doesn't revolves around my world only. Go probe elsewhere. =)

The weather was pretty welcoming this morning. Intermittent drizzles, gusts of wind. Cooling, yet it left me too cold. Felt that i'm really alone.

Lonely.

Shannon left at 10:35 a. m..

viernes, enero 07, 2005

[ 753. Drunk ]

Think i'm really drunk as i type this. I mean... today was the unit anniversary. We had steamboat for dinner at the mess. It was really quite fun actually. Though i was feeling abit low... but eventually as i went around talking to people, i felt so much better. Then eric jioed me to play games with him... and you know, when NS guys come with beer, forfeits usually means drinking. And... i'm drank 5 cans of beer. Though duty free (i.e. to say cheap beer), but i still managed to get myself quite high (or even a bit tipsy) tonight.

Sharks. Cell is tomorrow MORNING and i guess i'm gonna suffer a hangover. Sheeeet...

Shannon left at 11:01 p. m..

jueves, enero 06, 2005

[ 752. Change of Appointment ]

Finally, i've been released from my appointment of serving the dear CO.

You can look at it as a demotion or what, but after evaluating, i'm elated.

Think all you want. =)

Shannon left at 1:11 p. m..

domingo, enero 02, 2005

[ 751. Sunday ]

Wheee... it's been a long sunday. And the feeling of not having to book in is really tremendous.

Anyway, just got off ziwei's page. It's fabulous, fantastic and immensely wonderful. Such art. Know that he has the art flair in him. But never really had the chance to appreciate his works. Aw. Kind of regret not learning some stuff from him while he was still around.

I'm having some ~~writer's~~ blogger's block here. Just can't quite find decent things to talk about.

Oh yes.

Everyone's talking about resolutions. Personally, i don't really like to make resolutions. Mainly it's because i know most probably on 31 december 2005 i'll feel all so guilty about not keeping any one of them. Resolutions, to me, seems to be meant to be broken. As in, it's those ideal things that we all should do, and yet by the carnal nature... we just wanna oppose it. Well, you should know better.

Anyway, if really need be, here's a few resolutions that i wanna keep this year:

1) move off from where i left God from. To start walking with God again, that is. In a more concrete way, is to build up my biblical knowledge and be able to defend my faith coherently, which is something that i don't think i'm fully proficient as yet.

2) save some money. one big failure in 2004. i need to raise at least a thousand and two this year. That works out to about hundred a month.

3) lose weight. Somewhat successful, but i hope to reach the 60kg mark. Run at least twice every week i suppose?

4) study. Find something to study. Leaving myself brain dead for the year is not exactly helping mental stimulations.

5) get a scholarship / sponsorship. My second last chance to get someone to pay for my university studies.

6) driving licence. I've passed my final theory, and haven't start driving lessons. What the heck?

So.... you get my resolutions? Do me a favour dudes. Don't remind me of them. =)

Shannon left at 8:55 p. m..

sábado, enero 01, 2005

[ 750. Pink ]

~~I declare a "Stay Pink!" month on my blog. All posts will be in pink until further notice. ;)~~

Order cancelled due to this skin's inability to change the text colour. Dammit.

Shannon left at 11:04 a. m..

[ 749. New Year ]

Happy new year to one and all dudes. Nothing to be extremely happy about though, now that we are in the midst of the asian tsunami crisis.

Did nothing spectacular today. Guess i'm just too tired from all that hype that happened during xmas. In fact, it wasn't even much of a celebration for xmas 2004. The tone was evidently much milder, and even the cards that went around clearly dipped. For the record, i only received cards from marcus, maxwell, hongyao, chris and a letter from liow, in order of receipt. Haha, not very surprising though. Guess this is the first year that we new NSFs experience an all-year round working schedule. Years before this, we were all lazing somewhere, wasting our 6 to 8 weeks holidays and not even doing our holiday homework (which we amazingly clear within the first week of school).

CG was held at raffles place. A weird place to hold CG, if you'd ask me. But junting had actually quite nice plans, that is, if it didn't rain. Then we would have a nice cozy corner to have our cell. Rain let us retreat into burger king. Mission for the day: take some photos that described our 2004. Lucky for me, i haven't deleted any of the photos that eric took during the xmas celebration that signals had. I uploaded the shot of the turkey.

"The turkey was my 2004. On the outside, the turkey looks big, looks delicious, and much more tender and juicier than a normal chicken. But it's not. The meat is tougher than the chicken's. Even the drumstick. People usually associate drumstick as the best part of a bird, but not for the turkey. The meat there is actually one of the toughest."

That was how i described my 2004.

Enghow shared the rubbish bin. And said something meaningful as well.

"I actually wanted to take a photo of the rubbish bin with something on top of it. It actually meant that whatever that wasn't useful, i trash it in the bin. And the stuff on top of the bin are those useful lessons that i want to take with me into 2005."

Bowen shared about his sister and derek about his diary.

The diary. I've been guilty of not using it faithfully. Derek gave it to me as a birthday present in 2003. That was when my relationship with him deteriorated. Badly. Up to know i still place that small little cushion that came with the diary on that little ledge on the head of my bed. Somehow i still can't really get over how i screwed that friendship up. I used to keep his birthday letter in the diary as well. Until the day i told myself i need to let go of the past and not be so hard on myself. That letter resides in the trays of my other cards and letters today.

Went to watch Meet the Fockers with the CG. Hilarious movie, though according to sharon it's not as good as Bridget Jones' Diary. Damn, she had to remind me that i didn't catch that movie. But then again, Meet the Fockers was kind of... too lewd at certain points. But somehow it possess a common theme to society today. The need to please people. Then you get tired of pleasing people. Then you realize that you ought to be yourself. Then you learn to accept others as who they truly are. So common, and yet we guys really don't learn sometimes...

Met cheowhoon at the mrt. Exchanged a few words with him, and realized how much he changed. Think NS has done the same to us: sober us up, and mature us all in a way or another. Physical sense apart, i guess the old mockery has died. Was actually thinking twice before saying more than a couple of hi's and bye's to him. Glad that i took his number.

Met elena on the train as well. It's really strange that you start meeting people at the most unlikely areas. Especially when it's at such high frequency. Had a little debate with her over NTU vs NUS. Branding, promoting and value. It's the same old elena. The same competitive streak, the same outspoken lady that i know since those days of 2s1. It was definitely great sparring with her again, though i was mentally tired and guess i was trailing a bit on my arguements.

2004 just swept pass under my feet, and in retrospect i realized i've accomplished nothing great. What will hold for me in 2005? That i don't know, but i know who holds my 2005. ;)

Cheers.

Shannon left at 1:51 a. m..

gone. will i be back? i don't know. maybe i've started elsewhere. maybe never. again.