my.escape

domingo, enero 30, 2005

[ 776. Outburst ]

I'm appeased.

I'm definitely not feeling honoured that i've been devoted one entire post by eric.

===

"Change is good, well in most cases. I've seen changes that done incredible results to the surroundings, societies and relationships. The air, the weather, the traffic, the buildings, the forest, the nature, the food, the games, the technology, the environment, the government, the people, the friends, the relationships. It's ever-changing in every moment. What saddens me is that the change brings a whole new definition to the people that you have to face everyday. People change. Their face, their size, their looks, their hair, their clothes, their speech, their attitude, their behaviour. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. What is this? A season of disappointment? One after another just keeps on coming and coming. I can't breathe!

Something that I read last night makes me close to frustration and thus causing me to keep on tossing and turning in my bed. I couldn't sleep. How I wish I can rip off my chest and scream! Something Xuan wrote in his blog bothers me damn a lot. I know whatever that I'm writing now will NOT help in the already strained friendship, in fact, it might make everything even worse! But I have to get it off my chest before I start to break down.

He changed. For the better? I seriously doubt. To me, he is taking everything for granted. The miraculous friendship between him, Hansel and I is perhaps, just a joke. That very day I saw Hansel's disappointed eyes after having to borrow Xuan's 11B in bunk saddens me. Your sleep is important. Which means Hansel's work is just a piece of shit. Do he have other choice other then borrowing your 11B to work? He don't even have an OA account! Why force him to look like a dog, scrambling through your wallet and uniforms to source for your 11B? So what if you are his upper study? If you think that death mail which he had sent out cause a hell out of you, then just take it as a mistake. He just took over as COPA from YOU! If you think you did a wonderful job, then CO wouldn't push you BACK! If you think you are flawless, then why are you back in the platoon? You've changed Xuan! Changed!

So you think that the mail cause a great reputation issue to you. Have you ever put yourself into Hansel's shoes? So you think Hansel is totally comfortable with all the retort he had received. He is seriously in a deep stun after that issue. You were self-centred and you know that I've told you that. But now you are worse from that. You are arrogant. You totally disregard others feelings and even those whom we sit through together thick and thin. Perhaps the last decision of posting you out as a COPA was a mistake. Terrible one.

Let me remind you that the Signal Office is NOT your office anymore. It's our platoon's office. Inviting either of the "S-ess" (S1, S2, S3 or S4) to our office is no longer your call. Have you thought of the rest of the platoon's feelings by "inviting" them in? I can answer for you. NO! You know we don't like either of the KAH or PSO or whatever-you-want-to-call in our office. We DON'T like to be under watchful eyes. We DON'T!

What attitude you have by wearing whatever you like and walking around buah long long in the unit when the upper management is not around? What's with the "I'm very important" or "I'm indispensible in the unit" attitude? What makes you think that people still welcome you around? You were a COPA. Been there done that. An ex COPA. The keyword is EX! You are no longer a COPA so it's time to pack up your fucked up attitude and get on with life.

You think I'm peeved just because of the stood up you did. I tell you, it's much more then that. MORE then that.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm losing my trust. I'm weak. I'm alone. I'm lonely."

===

I'm not going to give you the superifical kind of reply, eric. I'm not going to pretend that i didn't read that, nor am i going to tell you that i'm not angry. I AM angry. I am upset.

This is your prerogative, your freedom of speech.

I'm not going to stop you from saying that, nor am i going to give you a point by point rebuttal. In fact, let the bastard in me paraphrased what you've just said and make it MINE speech instead.

Apparently, Eric seems be have a problem with the things i've said and done ever since i've returned to signal platoon. Something i wrote in my blog bothers him so much that i couldn't sleep. Whatever that is written now will NOT help in the already strained friendship, conversely, it WILL make everything worse. Likewise, i want to say my piece as well.

I, xuan, have changed. For the better? You'd wish. To eric, i am simply taking everything for granted. Maybe i have been taking this friendship between him, hansel and myself as a joke, purely as a transaction. That very day eric saw hansel's disappointed eyes after having to borrow xuan's 11B in bunk saddens him, apparently. Yes, MY sleep is important. in fact, it's more important than hansel's sleep. Why does he have to bother me with every single crap problem that he faced? Does hans have any choice other then borrowing my 11B to work? Hans doesn't even have an OA account! Maybe it pleases me to make hans look like a dog, scrambling through your wallet and uniforms to source for my 11B? So what if i am hans' upper study? Yes, the death mail which hansel had sent out cause a hell out of ME, and it was too big a boo-boo to dismiss it just like that. Well, hans' just took over as COPA from YOU! For how long? three feaking weeks. All i could say was that i've done my best in that job, and if boss doesn't like me, too bad for me. And that's why i'm back in signals. I never thought i was flawless, i just can't be bothered to amend those. Why are you back in the platoon? It was a command decision. I can't wait to post out. Yes, i've changed, if it pleases you, eric.

And eric, if i really think that the mail cause a great reputation issue to me, i would have screamed at hansel that very day and stormed into CO's office and said i didn't send that. How many other people have i complaint about the mail to apart from BSO and wo benson? You ask me if i have ever put yourself into Hansel's shoes? Yes i did: and i think he has to learn certain things by himself. Simple philo of mine: if i've learnt a lesson the hard way, there's no way i'm gonna let you do it the simple way. Hello... eric, try stepping into my shoes if you want to. So you think that i assume Hansel is totally comfortable with all the retort he had received. He is seriously in a deep stun after that issue, and so i could see. The world doesn't revolve around me, you told me. Now i'm worse? Perhaps. In you eyes. I'm arrogant. I have totally disregard YOURS and HANSEL'S feelings and even those whom we sit through together thick and thin. My only mistake was NOT to go to brunei. At least i'd have good and pleasant memories to keep.

Yes, signal office is our platoon's office. Inviting either of the "S-ess" (S1, S2, S3 or S4) to our office was never my call. Wow, i actually have the honour of being able to invite a cpt to our office to see see look look!! Aren't you honoured?! Fuck you eric, i NEVER invited any of them to our office for you info. And i'm telling you, NO! Haven't you realize that i ALWAYS mak it a point to RUN to their office rather than THE other way round? If you guys don't like either of the KAH or PSO or whatever-you-want-to-call in our office, that i can understand. You DON'T like to be under watchful eyes. Neither do i.

Just because on thursday i came down to office in vest-slack you said i was being buah long long. Oh yes, i should have came down in uniform and started playing risk on the computer as well eh? What's with the "I'm very important" or "I'm indispensible in the unit" attitude, you'd ask. You answered your own question: I AM arrogant. What made me think that people still welcome me around? Because i was a COPA. Been there done that. An ex-COPA. The keyword is EX! I am no longer a COPA so you tell me it's time to pack up my fucked up attitude and get on with life. Oh, too bad TURPA is not a recognised position if not perhaps you won't be so lonely as well. If you think that being the COPA has inflated my ego, arrogance and bitchiness, it did. But what's worse is that being a COPA's good friend back then , you have FAILED to lend a hand and advise me accordingly whenever i need help or a listening ear. All i get is just criticisms and complaints and countless numbers of "you deserve it" speeches. Eric, people don't like to dwell around people who are too self-righteous. Don't blame others if you're lonely.

If i did any wrong, it has to be that i chose to vent my frustration on hansel. It's childish of me, to vent my frustration of one on the other. I'm sorry, hansel. I'm really sorry.

You're more than peeved that i stood you up. Of course, i'm not as naive as to think it's a standalone incident.

I'm a proud bastard, an arrogant jerk. I need no friends, i'm an island. My social side is just a facade, everyone is just someone for me to make use of. I view life like a game, the more points i get, the better the chances of winning i have.

SO ERIC LIM WEI, ARE YOU FREAKIN HAPPY NOW?!

Shannon left at 7:28 p. m..

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.

domingo, enero 30, 2005

[ 776. Outburst ]

the guy

his wishes

his horizons

people.

tags

gone. will i be back? i don't know. maybe i've started elsewhere. maybe never. again.

domingo, enero 30, 2005

[ 776. Outburst ]

the guy

his wishes

his horizons

people.

tags

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.