domingo, enero 16, 2005
[ 757. Internet Down ]
Realized that my blog is somewhat like means of communication between me and anyone out there. It used to be more, ummm, personal. well, perhaps blogs were never meant to be secret in the first place.
It's my perogative, my freedom of speech.
Well, it's been a bad week for me. Felt pretty uncertain on a lot of issues. I know it's bad to feel so low at the start of the year, and i know it's definitely not God's workplan for me this year either. I've told a couple of close friends about my plans. Dad's going for an op next week, and mom's not exactly in the best of health either, and so to speak. Nonetheless, i'm trying to stay optimistic and hopeful with God about it. It's easy in speech, hard in action. Now i really feel it.
I had two really weird dreams this week. The first was on wednesday. Can't really remember much of that dream, but it was something like joseph, sharon and myself were stranded in a strangely familiar place. Except, we didn't know where we were. Somehow our aim was to look for a transport out of that place, and head to somewhere more familiar. There were escalators, glass, and shops everywhere. Common brands like cafe cartel, macdonalds etc could be sighted. It was like a glass-made shopping center. Then, we found a bus company along a roadside shop of that shopping mall, where we made several enquiries and found that there was a last bus headed out of that place. We were excited, but joseph and myself realized we had no money on ourselves. Sharon paid for us all. Couldn't remember where was it heading, but all i remembered that the bus was leaving in like 10 minutes time. And at that time, i really needed to go to the toilet, and i just ran off, telling sharon that i needed the toilet. Sharon screamed after me and reminded me to hurry as the bus was leaving soon and don't miss that bus....
The second was more recent, more vivid. The scene seems familiar too, looked like the bishan flat that i used to stay in. I was being apprehended by somebody, and i was desperately running down the staircase. Each floor that i pass through gets harder and harder to move by. There were three mattresses lying on the staircase on each storey, and i had to dunk under or climb over them as i ran down the stairs for my life. And there was a floor that i had to hide under one mattress as that person was running too near. As the thugs moved the mattress around effortlessly looking for me, i had to roll around and hide myself from them. Then as they abandon the site, i continue running towards the ground floor. When i reached the ground floor, i realized the staircase entrance was sealed, chained and padlocked. It was those old kind of metal gates that you could compress to the side to open and pull towards the center to close. So i ran back to the second storey and jumped onto the grass patch. I wasn't injured, but i realized that i forgotten to bring my passport. So somehow (which i couldn't remember), i ran back up to my flat and took the whole stack of passports and envelopes which were lying on the table. And the same routine of running towards the first storey starts again. To save time, when i reached the fourth storey, i jumped off the the fourth storey, and amazingly i was unhurt. Somehow i could just stand up and run towards the main road with my stuff. I tried to flag down a taxi, but could not do so. There were a lot of taxis, but none wanted to stop. Finally, a taxi with a old customer stopped. The old frail uncle got off the taxi, and somehow my heart cracked. As i helped him off the cab, i was wondering how come i'm helping him to get off the cab at the place of death? Why did i let him do what he wanted, instead of pulling him back onto the cab and run together? Well, i told the driver to drive me all the way to a faraway place. Sounds weird, but that driver told me that he needed to go home to get his passport first too. And i agreed.
I'm really confused by the dreams. No point trying to decipher them, i know, but somehow the second one really hit me.
Selfish.
Yes, i realized i've been very selfish. I've been dwelling on it for the whole week. Seems like a topic of the week for me. Somehow the words "The whole world doesn't revolve around you" just got stuck on my head. It was the second time i heard it, and i was really heartbrokened to hear that. But, that wasn't groundless accusations, which may have made things worse. Perhaps it's the way i realized i needed to fend for myself ever since some time ago. Feeling low and down, i constantly needed company. And most of the time, i realized i always get my way somehow. It's like the inate ability to be domineering, and doing things that i stand to gain. I'm more concerned about how others think of me, rather that me thinking of others. Even here. I'm more concerned about who reads this blog, rather than whose blog i read. Gee, for God' sake i didn't even know that felix has broken up with his girlfriend. It seems like i'm one of the last guys to know. And to think, i used to talk to him quite often. What the heck.
Time's up, i'll be back.
Shannon left at 3:37 p. m..
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