my.escape

martes, mayo 30, 2006

[ 1197. Badges ]

I'm short of acjc, rjc, mjc, ijc and yjc's badges. Anyone wanna donate?

Shannon left at 4:33 p. m..

[ 1196. Been There, Done That ]

Nose bleed. Yet again. A sign that i haven't been resting well. Haha. Aching all over when i got up. Thought it was the bed, but heck no, i think it was all the push ups that i did with chinsoon yesterday. Haha. How weak i am, after having not exercise for 3 months. Wait, or was it six? =)

There's full dress today. Wonder what should i wear.

Shannon left at 8:10 a. m..

lunes, mayo 29, 2006

[ 1195. Frustrated ]

I'm spinning around, alone in my world.

Walk down streets with car buzzing by has always been therapeutic for me.

Letting my mind wander, wander, wander...

Shannon left at 10:52 p. m..

domingo, mayo 28, 2006

[ 1194. Breakthrough ]

I lost (yet another) five bucks at mj. hhahaha.

And this week's gonna be full of choir pracs. Ahhh. Wednesday is THE concert. *gulp*

Yes, i have a breakthrough!! =) Cuz if nothing's gonna happen by tomorrow, i'll just take it as it'll never happen, and i'll just walk out of the door, close it and never to bother opening it myself again. =)

Leave, when you know when you're no longer need. That's what my mom always taught me.

Shannon left at 12:43 a. m..

sábado, mayo 27, 2006

[ 1193. Games ]

I'm not a very good mind reader. Don't keep me guessing what you're thinking, what you know and what you wanna say.

The games people play. Life is complicated enough as it is, without the additional complex twists and turns that we love to inject.

Gearing into war mode from this week onwards. Choir practice every day. Wow. And it doesn't seem as if tp's concert is next wednesday. We still sound like there's quite some time to go. And frankly, it's worrying, the say the least.

It's a bright new cool day. And there's always mahjong to look forward to when everything seems to be just a dream. =)

Shannon left at 9:20 a. m..

jueves, mayo 25, 2006

[ 1192. Screwed Up ]

I wonder, why do screwed up matters always occur in the dead of the night.

And i'm so dead.

Embarrassed's more like the word now. And lost. Yes, i'm lost.

Sharks.

Shannon left at 1:03 p. m..

miércoles, mayo 24, 2006

[ 1191. Max ]

its like ive never even had the chance to.

but seriously, what in the world is going on. HA, im blogging for this mister and its quite haywire-d this whole situation is landing into. the books are all in front but our eyes are all wandered in 24-60s.

so many things going on. i dont even know where to begin. and secondly. im taking this as though its my own blog. apologies xuanan. but ive WAY too much to trash upon. plus, im so angsty i need MUDPIE.

alternatives. and the talk goes on...

the heart has so much to scream about. yet the mouth shuts. if you ask me, ive left way too much room for doubts, but tell me how do i close the circle. ha, ive been given the permission to do what i like but im not really giving two sh*ts about it. im actually enjoying the casual chats while i watch her do econs.

hmmm, so tell me what should i do now?
raise your hand please and step forward, if you even think you know me. =/

Shannon left at 5:55 p. m..

martes, mayo 23, 2006

[ 1190. Great Morning ]

A breezy morning, cool and wet. A tad of melancholy, yet filled with the hope of sunshine coming down on me in just a couple of hours' time.

Just took a check on ntu's web. And i realized it'd not be long before i'm going into ntu and start the next phase of my life.

2 weeks to olomouc.
4 weeks to return to singapore.
5 weeks to schools' reopening.
9 weeks to orientation.
10 weeks to start of school & a new life. =)

It's just barely 10 weeks ago that we had our concert. How time really flies. =)

Shannon left at 7:14 a. m..

domingo, mayo 21, 2006

[ 1189. Mj ]

After a one week break, i'm back to the mahjong table. But some things that happened over last evening kept my thoughts off the game. Never mind that i won a milkshake's worth of money, but somehow there's no reason to smile. I guess, it just hurts to see a friend hurting so badly. And there's nothing much you can do about it, except to offer pointless words of encouragement and concern. Sometimes, you'll really hope to run up, punch the guy, and hope that things will turn better finally. But heck, such things will never happen. This is life.

And there's her. I find myself looking for her nick to appear on my msn list every evening. And each time my phone vibrates, i hoped it was her. It's just... i dunno. I'm letting myself feel too much, i guess.

stop it.

Let's return to reality. it's impossible. i need to distance myself. emotionally. she has got someone else in mind. and down that list, probably i'm nowhere near the top. maybe weiwei's right. maybe i've gotten too close for comfort. for anything to be actually possible apart from just being friends.

xuan. move on. the one in her heart's not you.

(jx.iknowitsimpossiblebetweenusbutijustwannaknowhowyoufeel.)

Shannon left at 6:41 p. m..

sábado, mayo 20, 2006

[ 1188. Da Jie & Barry ]

I was looking thru my wallaby photos since staff called and asked me if i had any photos to lend him for the unit's workplan. So well, memories of last year's wallaby just went through my head. Sweet memories. Thought of da jie, and barry, the two sweetest specs i've ever met in my entire nsf life. =)

Barry will always be the one ferrying us in and out of plab during those days of packing. And he's my favourite smoking buddy at comfort inn, when we'll just pour our grievences against the emperor at the stairway, cig in one hand, diet coke on the other hand. This guy simply loves carbonated drinks, that's why my fridge is never short of them. =) This dude rocks man. We were the best driver & v-comd combination... umm... at least till the accident happened. Hahaha. We all make mistakes every now and then. Wells. =)

And Da jie... my favourite da jie!! Hahaha. She takes really good care of me during the trip... Even helped me wash my clothes! Haha, i'm such a lazy bum right? But i think she's really wonderful, always cheering me up whenever i feel grouchy, bringing me out for meals each time i come back from rebro duty. The day when i met with an accident, she's the one who accompanied me to the hospital as well... How nice of her. =) And there was this day when we cooked on the day before cheekiat's return to singapore, i guess that's one of the few days that we actually enjoyed ourselves. Simply because the emperor wasn't around. =) da jie's really one of the most wonderful people i've ever met. Though we are ten years apart by age, but i never felt that difference affecting our chemistry. =)

Ahh... i should ask them out for dinner some day. =) wheee...

Shannon left at 10:14 a. m..

viernes, mayo 19, 2006

[ 1187. Moods ]

Felt like the subject of oscillations today. Moods going up, and down, and up, and down.

Sometimes, i wish he's still there. Those days of late night phone calls, messages and stuff that he gave upon me. The dinners we had. The hugs. The unforgettable memories.

Nostalgia is a lethal weapon for self-destruction, someone once told me. And i agree.

But the other extreme isn't a good measure either.

Shannon left at 10:18 p. m..

jueves, mayo 18, 2006

[ 1186. Family Photo ]

The closest to a family photo i'll ever have. You know something. I have not taken a photo with my bros ever since childhood. And dad. Mom wanted a family photo on her convocation. But she never got her wish. Haiz. Somehow, someday, i dunno if it will ever happen.

Shannon left at 9:43 p. m..

[ 1185. Failures ]

I failed my driving test for the n-th time. "That's life," said one. Perhaps i'm not meant to drive. Utter waste of money, i think.

Was on my way to tuition, and i kept trying to contact my student. Somehow his phone was switched off, so i decided to delay tuition a lil, and made a detour to the soup spoon for a little comfort food. Tried their wraps, and boy it was filling. Generous in meat and stuffings, just as it's done for their soup. Simply delicious. It's becoming a bad habit, sometimes i think. I always visit the soup spoon whenever i'm feeling low or lonely. Somehow, soup has this therapeutic effect on me. Somehow i'll just look at the contents of the soup, especially the chunkier ones like beef goulash and clam chowder, and eat them slowly, one by one, chewing them thoroughly before taking it down the throat and letting the sweetness linger at the back of the tongue for a little longer.

I roamed around raffles place after dinner, looking around for money changers since adyll said he last found czech kroners/korunys/krowns (whatever it is) there. The whole row of money changers along change alley, i found none that sold that currency. Even travelex money changer didn't carry it. On the other hand, i found a relatively cheap euro seller, so i bought 200 euros for a start. That made me 404 big local bucks poorer.

Well. Trips like that don't come cheap. And i start to wonder. Is it worth it? Frankly i'm feeling the pinch, and that's why i'm feeling rather ambivalent about this whole trip. It's a novelty, for a travel buff like me. It'll be the first time i'm stepping into european land, singing on a foreign stage and exploring places that even mom hasn't been to, all before my 21st birthday. Yet on the other hand, it's quite a fair bit of money. Money that could have gone into getting a new phone, new computer and other stuff that probably i wanted to have, or to give to people who needed it. Talk about opportunities costs. But since i've ventured this far, there's no way to say no now, cuz even so, i'll have to finish paying for the airticket nonetheless.

I walked from raffles place to chinatown. Looking at the skyscrapers, seeing buildings and architecture that i never existed in singapore. From highrising office buildings, i found myself in the midst of hdb flats at tanjong pagar, before embarking on a stretch of back alley through shophouses leading towards outram. That's singapore for you. High contrast within such a short span of time and distance.The skyscrapers made me feel lost. Akin to a child feeling so directionless in this midst of the working world. Then it's back to the familiar sights of heartland. Those cake shops, minimarts you often see at your void deck, they become a sense of comfort over time. Whenever you feel hungry or just feeling the urge for a snack or two, you'll head downstairs to that mama store to pick your favourite sweets for a fraction of a dollar. Or if you're craving for waffle, just hand a buck over to the bakery auntie who will then make you a fresh waffle right from the toaster, complete with a topping of your choice for an extra few cents. I love mine with blueberry fillings. And when i walked into this lovely little lane behind those shophouses, a sense of calmness just came over. Though i may not see where the path led to, but the little things i see around me were enough to set a smile to my face. That little cat that whined; those cute little benches that i so felt like sitting on; couples so intimate and loving, oblivious to the passer-bys. Some of the many things that the 5 minute passage has shown me.

Sometimes i love to be alone. Yet on the other hand, i wish for someone to be there to put a arm around my shoulder, as a silent yet warm gesture to remind me that he or she is always there for me. Probably, it's because i never really knew what was love when i was growing up. Physically present, yet emotionally absent. I don't dare to love, because i've never tasted love in it's fullness. It's like trying to describe the sweetness of an apple to a blind man. He'll never know what it taste like until he tries it for himself. I love hugs and kisses, yet sometimes i feel threatened when my personal space is invaded. Sometimes something in me will just snap, and i'll just feel like being left alone. That rarely occur nowadays, though i still get it once in a blue moon.

And i'm lost. Should i feel the way i'm feeling now? I want to, but i know it's impossible for now.

Shannon left at 8:32 p. m..

miércoles, mayo 17, 2006

[ 1184. You ]

Sorry dude. Sorry for wrongly accusing you. Sorry for keeping you awake at 3am in the morning. Sorry for... hurting you. i dunno. argh. i'm confused.You were being nice, and there i was... thinking that you were the one who told on me. Dammit. I deserve to die, i guess. Sorry once again...

Shannon left at 9:16 p. m..

martes, mayo 16, 2006

[ 1183. Looking Forward ]

I realized i need to stay happy. =)

In fact, i'm not overly upset. Just like when you watch a sad drama, somehow you'll get infected by negative vibes and emotions when you see drama unfolding right before your eyes.

I need to stay forward looking. =)

And i'm looking forward to the vjc concert tonight and dinner with shanny and mandy baby. =) My two lil wonderful sistas! hahahaha~

Shannon left at 7:36 a. m..

lunes, mayo 15, 2006

[ 1182. Juls ]

Here's to juls. =) as promised!!

Shannon left at 11:54 p. m..

[ 1181. Bled ]

I'm bleeding again. Because i scratched myself too hard. It's painful, but sometimes, it distracts other emotions that i hold within myself. At least, physical pain takes away that heartache that nothing much can heal.

Shannon left at 12:38 a. m..

[ 1180. My Friend ]

Dear friend,

It's disturbing. Somehow, there's just this sudden revelation and feeling that i don't like. I realized i'm beginning to see flaws in you. And because i found so many similarities between you and me, that led me into thinking that i possess these flaws as well. And i feel damn low about it. Somehow, i'm disappointed in myself too. For not being able to tolerate you for who you are. But today i just felt distant from you. Though you said that you're fine, you're ok, but somehow the spirit just feels otherwise. I know there's something wrong, but if you think it's not worth talkin about it... i can't help it either.

When i said i treasure you as a friend, i mean it. And i still do. ;) Good night.

Shannon left at 12:05 a. m..

sábado, mayo 13, 2006

[ 1179. Crackers ]

You know the crackers that comes with nasi bryani? Gosh, i love em!! Haahs. Was having dinner with a fren today at food republic, and there was this indian man hawking those crackers. Those very very wonderfully made crackers. And greedy me, bought a pack simply for sinful indulgance, despite ulcers and threat of a sore throat. Well, after all it's a whole day of singing already. Hahas. And yes, it goes very, very well with coffee. Trust me.

Went down town to change my pair of pants after consort today. Strange that i didn't head for mj today, but it's a good change i think. The dinner, shopping around orchard, and just walking around to buy some stuff for her mom. Short, sharp and sweet. At least, i got to get home early for once.

I need more water. Yes, i know i haven't been drinking enough. lols.

Shannon left at 10:28 p. m..

[ 1178. Poisoned ]

Don't you treat me bad, don't you make me sad, our love could be deep as the ocean
If you can't be true, i've got news for you, just remember that i can be poison...

I dunno about drugs, but cigs aren't that addictive actually. It's a matter of choice.

And no, i think i'm not drugged. ;)

Got tuition and choir later. And tonight i'll be heading down town to exchange a pair of oversized pants that i bought a couple of days ago.

Shannon left at 8:52 a. m..

jueves, mayo 11, 2006

[ 1177. Melancholy ]

It started pouring on my way home from orchard. (Thankfully, i was in a car.) I was thinking, mans, i hate cold and wet nights. To think about it, i hate hot and humid nights too. Especially when i'm deployed out there in some carparks, sleeping next to a darned landrover and subjecting myself to the mercy of the commando mosquitoes.

The best nights i ever had i guess would be those during wallaby. When night falls in town, we'll simply wait for everyone in the comms team to return to the motel before heading out for dinner. It's either chungsan, four-x, or some fastfood restaurant. Then we'll hit the league club for some jackpot before heading back motel for the night. Sometimes, we'll just cook by the pool side and tuck into a home cooked meal. then it's beer, cigs and chit-chat under the starry starry night, till our eyes wanna shut for the day. Even when i was on rebro duty, there will be a campfire for the night, and the guys will simply gather around the fire to talk, have coffee or play cards. Every night, melancholic or otherwise, was simply wonderful because the night is cooling, and there will always be people around you.

I miss some people. I miss the hugs, the kisses, and the wonderful tingling feeling each time i see certain people. I don't know how to regain those feeling, but it exists somewhere out there.

Shannon left at 10:37 p. m..

miércoles, mayo 10, 2006

[ 1176. Cheer Up ]

"I like to build the world a home, and furnish it with love, grow apple trees and honey bees, and snow white turtle doves..."

This song is just playing on the radio while i relax and recuperate from marking two classes worth of atrocious workbooks. The thing with marking workbooks is, after the first ten books or so, your concentration span just diminishes greatly and you'll end up with lots of marking errors that you'll probably never realize until you see them through the 2nd time. Especially errors such as spelling errors, wrong units used and decimal placings.

Jo!! cheer up k!! don't worry about things beyond your control. i know it feels super duper frustrating at times!! just make sure things within your reach are settled properly. ;p

and ayes. i reeeeeeeeeeealli cannot stand you my bloody fellow relief. i can't sound perky and awake every morning, don't think i'm pmsing just becuz i don't smile in the mornings. and don't sound offended when i dun wish to watch you have breakfast when i already had mine. i have work to do, hello. and your issues with your students, your scandal with m*ryl, it's all self-inflicted. as a teacher you should know better than to use words like sh*t, damn, f-word, etc in class. And you know in a secondary school those students with raging hormones will definitely tease you if they catch you chatting up a fellow young teacher. spare a thought for the girl even if you're ok by it. and stop whining if the lady teacher decides that it's better to avoid you. in a nutshell, stop whining. for goodness sake, you're not a gal.

(ok. finally i got it off my chest.)

Suddenly there's just this urge to go clubbing. Well, finances and throat forbid, but it's definitely good to reminscience about the good old days of chinablack and zouk. Clubbing is only fun when you go with the right gang. Undoubtedly, the radar people were one of the finest. Drinking, dancing, smoking, guessing games, all the way till the wee hours of a sunday morning. You know, alochol and cigs actually go very well together. Boost the momentary 'high'-ness. But wells, not to mention it's also a lethal combination to the throat. Those were the days huh. I missed them, but at least for now till olomouc, that's definitely out of the picture. So we shall see once i get back from olomouc... haha...

Shannon left at 11:08 a. m..

martes, mayo 09, 2006

[ 1175. Post Assembly ]

Naughty, naughty me. Blogging immediately after assembly, while the commotion outside the serene staffroom rushes into their examination halls for their dreaded papers of the day.

Stoning in front of my laptop, actually, wondering what to do. And zhichao's bugging me for breakfast today. Sometimes i really wish that he'll leave me alone half the time instead of engaging me in his self-indulgant conversations.

Three periods of invigilation, and two stacks of workbook to mark. It's voice recuperation and catching up on marking week. Not to mention, no weekday tuitions this week as well. =) My slackest week ever since i entered the civilian world, i think.

Military life does has its perks. Especially when you're an nsf. Trust me. No job pays you a couple of hundred bucks a month, complete with full boarding and meals and allow you to slack on the job half the time, with little or no risk of being caught, simply because almost everyone else is doing likewise.

I'm thinking of.... umm. never mind. =D

Suddenly, there's a warm and fuzzy feeling that comes over me. =p

Shannon left at 7:35 a. m..

lunes, mayo 08, 2006

[ 1174. Invigilation ]

I only had 4.5hrs of sleep last night. Surprisingly, i was very much awake today. Will wonders never cease.

Hahahas. just found out that dad's mobile line has no contract le. And he never buys new phone, so i was thinking of using his line to do an upgrade on my handphone. Haiz. But i dunno if i should. 400plus bucks for n70. Or should i wait till i get back from olomouc before deciding?? Hmmm. Maybe i should. That's when my financial burden is less. Hahaha.

Today was a slow day... and tomorrow will be slower i suppose... Haizz. And tomorrow is choir day. Hmmmm. Whee!!

Seduce me with not only your ways, but engage me with your mind as well. The mutual feeling of liking alone will not suffice as recipe for a lasting relationship, it's also about making each other's life better each day. Think synergy.

Shannon left at 9:04 p. m..

[ 1173. I'm So Dead ]

130am. Monday early morning. Work tomorrow. I'm so gonna die.

I won ten bucks in mahjong. Yeah. haha. juls i owe you one milkshake!! hahahas. =p

Shannon left at 1:30 a. m..

domingo, mayo 07, 2006

[ 1172. Church ]

Naughtily exchanging sms with a certain someone throughout my tuition session, there's a tinge of guilt, but yet a sense of amusement arose as well. At least it helped me last through long sessions of tuition. I don't usually mind long hours of tuition, after all, i used to study from dawn to dusk three years back. I've gotta admit, i'm not that young anymore. As each day pass, i feel like i'm losing a lil energy. Signs of aging. Hahas.

I like strolls. Walking around aimlessly, especially with people i like and i love, chatting idly, indulging in mindless talks. I love to stroll alone too. That walk from my student's place to the mrt was therapeutic. Enjoying the fresh air of that mini-garden, looking at the faces of those little kids that happily scamper pass me, noting the faces of those people who obviously just stepped out of the nearby polling center, wondering if they have made the right vote.

Stepped into the orchard area, after a hiatus of many week. The feeling of homecoming came once again. Warm, yet awkward. As i screened through the entire cuppage s11 for my cell group, i fear seeing people that i know. I don't like people asking me, "hey why haven't i see you for a long time". I know they care, or probably they are asking out of courtesy, but it'll simply make me feel bad. I hate that kind of feeling. There are always faces that i'll always look forward to see. Bowen. Chris. Enghow. Mx. Joseph. Jonathan. Aaron. and so to name a few. Alas, none of them are from my cell, sadly.

Worship was energising. The god-factor came in once again, making me looking back at the past few weeks, at the presence of god in my life. It never fails to happen during each worship, making me empowered, yet sinking in further in guilt and sometimes regret. But somehow the skeptic in me knows that i won't be disciplined enough to want to do the right thing. the godly thing. And i don't tell that to many people cuz i know they'll be disappointed. I seriously wonder how long will i take to grow up and realize what's good for me.

Had a short dinner session with the cg at s11, before we parted our ways for coffee and home. I received a very nice copy of the cg covenant, printed on a card and painted by huiyin:

And i've gotten a card and a big smiley face keychain from weiwei also, who will be moving on to the adults group wef this week. She's really a sweet girl, though quiet and petite. Somehow reminds me of junting, the motherly streak in her will always make her ask if i'm ok, message me to inform me abt evens and so on and so forth. =)

Consort later. I've gtg. Ciaoz.

Shannon left at 10:19 a. m..

sábado, mayo 06, 2006

[ 1171. Photos Photos! ]

Photos... photos!!

joanne~

terry. looks damn gay right??

henry!!! // jo, terry, henry!

tpchoir!

Shannon left at 10:44 a. m..

viernes, mayo 05, 2006

[ 1170. Pre-Polling Day ]

Ok, that's such a ruse. This entry has totally nothing to do with polling. Lols.

A little funny incident happened during my invigilation in the hall today. One teacher was reminding the CL students that for the zong1 he2 tian2 kong4 portion they were supposed to fill in shu4 zi4 (i.e. numbers), and there was this guy who then raised his hand. I went up to him, and he asked me, "cher, shu4 zi4 means hao4 ma3 right...?"

I almost burst out laughing.

There was tp choir prac today at siglap. Pretty regular, except that i went for dinner at parkway with the whole gin gang today.

henry, joanne, fiona, daryl, juliana, terry, guancheng, max, justin, adeline, lynette, amie, prem, hanrui. nice bunch of people. =p

went to watch some of them bowl after that. it was a riot. all the photo taking. hiding of jo's shoes. throwing people around. rolling balls everywhere. and the 'jul your ball very nice!!' screams. making a fool out of ourselves. lol. rather, themselves. haha. was a good chill out session before i hit nelson's place for a game of mj with ks and company.

won 5 bucks today. whee.

gotta go. life's pretty mundane recently anyway.

Shannon left at 11:52 p. m..

miércoles, mayo 03, 2006

[ 1169. Scum ]

After so long, i finally got to hear her side of the story. Was pretty much, ummm, surprised that she wept. And it's plain to me that she has cried over him several times. The unimaginable things love can do, and the unbearable pains that relationships can bring.

Don't start accusing me of not having sufficient facts before i jump to conclusions. I gave you a chance to explain yourself, but you always beat around the bush, making people guessing your motives and your thoughts.

One can never have 'enough' facts to make objective conclusions. So neither will i be fair to you, since you didn't want to help yourself in the first place.

I only got one conclusion to make. Buzz off, scum. Go get a life and stop infecting everyone else with your disease. The world doesn't revolve around you. Even without you, people probably will weep for a short while, but life still goes on. And you'll be forgotten with time. Yes.

Shannon left at 9:23 p. m..

gone. will i be back? i don't know. maybe i've started elsewhere. maybe never. again.