jueves, mayo 18, 2006
[ 1185. Failures ]
Was on my way to tuition, and i kept trying to contact my student. Somehow his phone was switched off, so i decided to delay tuition a lil, and made a detour to the soup spoon for a little comfort food. Tried their wraps, and boy it was filling. Generous in meat and stuffings, just as it's done for their soup. Simply delicious. It's becoming a bad habit, sometimes i think. I always visit the soup spoon whenever i'm feeling low or lonely. Somehow, soup has this therapeutic effect on me. Somehow i'll just look at the contents of the soup, especially the chunkier ones like beef goulash and clam chowder, and eat them slowly, one by one, chewing them thoroughly before taking it down the throat and letting the sweetness linger at the back of the tongue for a little longer.
I roamed around raffles place after dinner, looking around for money changers since adyll said he last found czech kroners/korunys/krowns (whatever it is) there. The whole row of money changers along change alley, i found none that sold that currency. Even travelex money changer didn't carry it. On the other hand, i found a relatively cheap euro seller, so i bought 200 euros for a start. That made me 404 big local bucks poorer.
Well. Trips like that don't come cheap. And i start to wonder. Is it worth it? Frankly i'm feeling the pinch, and that's why i'm feeling rather ambivalent about this whole trip. It's a novelty, for a travel buff like me. It'll be the first time i'm stepping into european land, singing on a foreign stage and exploring places that even mom hasn't been to, all before my 21st birthday. Yet on the other hand, it's quite a fair bit of money. Money that could have gone into getting a new phone, new computer and other stuff that probably i wanted to have, or to give to people who needed it. Talk about opportunities costs. But since i've ventured this far, there's no way to say no now, cuz even so, i'll have to finish paying for the airticket nonetheless.
I walked from raffles place to chinatown. Looking at the skyscrapers, seeing buildings and architecture that i never existed in singapore. From highrising office buildings, i found myself in the midst of hdb flats at tanjong pagar, before embarking on a stretch of back alley through shophouses leading towards outram. That's singapore for you. High contrast within such a short span of time and distance.The skyscrapers made me feel lost. Akin to a child feeling so directionless in this midst of the working world. Then it's back to the familiar sights of heartland. Those cake shops, minimarts you often see at your void deck, they become a sense of comfort over time. Whenever you feel hungry or just feeling the urge for a snack or two, you'll head downstairs to that mama store to pick your favourite sweets for a fraction of a dollar. Or if you're craving for waffle, just hand a buck over to the bakery auntie who will then make you a fresh waffle right from the toaster, complete with a topping of your choice for an extra few cents. I love mine with blueberry fillings. And when i walked into this lovely little lane behind those shophouses, a sense of calmness just came over. Though i may not see where the path led to, but the little things i see around me were enough to set a smile to my face. That little cat that whined; those cute little benches that i so felt like sitting on; couples so intimate and loving, oblivious to the passer-bys. Some of the many things that the 5 minute passage has shown me.
Sometimes i love to be alone. Yet on the other hand, i wish for someone to be there to put a arm around my shoulder, as a silent yet warm gesture to remind me that he or she is always there for me. Probably, it's because i never really knew what was love when i was growing up. Physically present, yet emotionally absent. I don't dare to love, because i've never tasted love in it's fullness. It's like trying to describe the sweetness of an apple to a blind man. He'll never know what it taste like until he tries it for himself. I love hugs and kisses, yet sometimes i feel threatened when my personal space is invaded. Sometimes something in me will just snap, and i'll just feel like being left alone. That rarely occur nowadays, though i still get it once in a blue moon.
And i'm lost. Should i feel the way i'm feeling now? I want to, but i know it's impossible for now.
Shannon left at 8:32 p. m..
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