martes, octubre 24, 2006
[ 1286. Guessing Games ]
Thoughts of all sorts never fails to rush through my head on such nights. At 3am in the morning, it's a sure recipe for melancholy to slip in, given the fatigue and the buzzing of the night.
Images of me sitting alone in a train carriage. Walking through the backlane of some derelict shophouses. Lying alone on my bed at home, in a lazy sunset.
In short, all images of loneliness.
The egocentric me have half the thoughts of making all these thoughts into a movie. But heck no. It'll make editting really painful and difficult to my weak mental state.
Each breathe i take seem so difficult as each day passes. Something within me yearns to cry out. I'm just waiting for a trigger to let the floodgates of tears open up wide. The release, i've been seeking, yet couldn't find.
It's not about the stress from work alone. It's not about people as well. I always prefer to think that the problem lies with me. The world doesn't revolve around me. I still remember spitting that at me years ago. Rachel tan, i think. It's not a healthy thought, but somehow it makes the blame game so much easier to play. And it esteems others. So, why not?
On the other hand, let's talk about something else. There are things that i don't wanna do at times not because i'm not willing, but because i know that i'll indiscriminately fall into some trap that i have no intentions of going into. Call it the lack of professionalism on my part, if you want it. I called prevention is better than cure. Now that i've done it, and i've fallen into it, it's affecting me badly. I find myself being so much more aware of it. And there are days my mood depends on it. And it'll definitely affect my friendships for that matter. Not that they are very strong anyway.
I feel, i feel, i feel.
Confused, upset and hurt. By myself.
Shannon left at 3:08 a. m..
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