viernes, abril 07, 2006
[ 1142. Insecurities ]
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when i'm in my low self-confidence mode (which my friends fondly know as my pms-ing), these are some of the things that run through my head:
damn, i'm fat.
i wish i looked better/ i'm ugly/i wish my neck wasn't so fat/i want cheekbones!
i'm jealous other people do better than me for half the effort or trump me because of my help but i'm not acknowledged for the help.
why does everything turn out bad for me?
i wish people liked me more.
if only i were cooler/more glamorous.
where is my confidence?
*pinch stomach* almost 2 years of diet and exercise and STILL there's flab.
why is he not mentioning me in that story even though i was the reason there is a story in the first place?
my life is a mess.
i make stupid choices.
i hate myself for being so pathetic.
this is what i can make out from the muddle that is currently my mind. these periods of low self-confidence do strike me every now and then. thank goodness this cycle is almost over. i feel myself getting better. i know because i can now look at some of my doubts and tell myself, 'it doesn't matter.' next stop, the much coveted mental clarity.
but even in my days when i'm all bright and cheery again and i don't give a sh*t what the world thinks of me, at the back of my mind, the imminent return of these black days will always haunt me and taint my happiness.
mind you, the recovery isn't quite complete yet. still a little oversensitive and impatient, but i keep it all in or at least let it out in a very cold manner. must thank my friends again, cause it's only when i spend time with them is when i realise life is much more than these shallow, superificial desires. it's the feeling of acceptance which incidentally is also what all superficial wants are based on, is worth much more than all the beauty or materialisms in the world. it makes you stronger when you realise there are people who don't think you're a freak.
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and here's another one.
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Have you guys ever felt that you are the only ones going around caring about other people, but don't get the same treatment back? It's not that you guys want your 'care' to be reciprocated, but sometimes if one is a good friend, no matter what happens, a good friend will always take note of his surroundings to see who is feeling down and stuff. For example: the most visible thing is from the MSN nick. For the past week, I've changed my nick more than thrice. But only my dear God-sista Joy (who hadn't been online for quite some time) managed to see what's happening. And mind you, she msged me straightaway after she's online. I asked her how she knows, she said 'it's too easy'. At that point, I was feeling even worse and glad at the same time. She added one more thing: 'Maybe they don't try hard enough'. Yeah I definitely agree to that. Sigh. But nvm it's okay. I'm used to it.
Shannon left at 11:51 p. m..
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xuan shannon male single 030985.ntu cs year1 / vocalconsort tenor2 / hopesg nyc ntub1.
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