miércoles, abril 05, 2006
[ 1137. Stepping Back ]
The past two months of leave was eccentric. Though it seems pathetically dull, but there were moments i had separate commitments, and had to make difficult choices. Often my choices were based on pragmatic (read: financial) reasons. In retrospect, most of my weekends in march was actually taken up by choir or choir-related matters. NUS choir, trois chansons, practices, practices and more practices, countless mj sessions, sco concert rehearsals and the upcoming sco concert this saturday, mostly occured on weekends. I was just telling weiwei that i've met him practically everyday since last thursday: thursday for sco prac, friday & sunday for mj, monday for sco prac and last night for tpjc choir prac. And we've been talking quite a bit also. About mj, consort people and consort matters. The more we spoke, the more i'm unsure whether is it right to carry on such demoralising & fruitless conversations that will only lead us feeling even more hopeless. Probably we should retain that 'childlike faith' when we first joined consort: to come together to sing in a choir because we all love to sing.
There's just this fine line between being analytical and thinking too much. We often blur that line and cross it as a result, and deceiving ourselves that we haven't.
I have actually quite a number of projects on hand currently. There's this website that i'm supposed to do for alan, the alpha project survey forms to data-entry, chemistry tuition that i have to prepare lessons for, and the sandy video project that i've just completed. All these on top of my choir commitments. Yet i can't do anything much for these projects on hand all because of the lack of resources. I do not have a laptop to call my own to do the website, as well as the required programs. The same goes for the survey forms. I only have access to mom's laptop either when i visit her at school during the day time, and when i get home at night. It doesn't really help that i'm getting busier in the evenings as well. This week alone, i'll only have friday evening free. (Every other evening is occupied by choir.) It's a horrible feeling to know that you have lots of work to do, and yet when you wake up every morning, you feel so free in the morning not because you want to, but because you have got no choice.
I'm actually secretly hoping that next thursday will come quickly so i can start working. With work around, i'd have no choice but to force myself to sleep early, wake up early, have productive times in school, and busy myself with work. I'm not a good freelance worker, i simply lack the resources and the discipline to do it. And with work, i won't have to spend much time thinking about consort and its people, appearing only when i have to attend practices and making every meet up seemed so much more precious. The recent inundation of meetups with consort people simply follows LDMR: the more we meet, the less meaningful it has become.
Disclaimer, disclaimer. These consortians are actually a nice bunch of people. Weiwei, for one, has become a very fantastic coffee buddy, and is probably one of the few that i can hold deep and serious conversations with in consort. With the younger ones, such as the tenor kids and the tpjcians i run the same problem that i have always had: holding conversations with people younger than me. In fact, sometimes i hate to do that. Not because they are young, but it's just this lack of common topics. And there's also this fear that i'm over-imposing on these youngsters, who has a life of their own to lead. Probably it's this impression thing, i don't want to come across as being over-friendly, as being too bhb and so as to force my way into their life. In summary, it's just a matter of being too self-conscious. That's why sometimes, though people say that i'm an extrovert, i'm actually an introvert at heart. Nonetheless, i give thanks for these new friends i've found. Mj kakis like ks, ww, dn, tiong, sam (whom i haven't played with for long), justin, yc, henry and some others. The tenor sisters shanny, waynnie and mandy. My jie, lingfang. The tpjcians whom i met only once or twice. And many many more people who just smiled, hold small talks with me and bothered to say hi.
Let's shift the lens to the other corner, the ntu group. Poor timing, i'd say. Ever since i've moved to the ntu group, i've been so busy with consort, i actually realized that i've neglected them. And to compound the crime, i haven't even felt bad about neglecting them. I feel alone in the group, though i can see that these people are making efforts to enfold myself and hongyao into the group. Fellowship times in ntu is simply too far. Going there once or twice every now and then is fine by me, but to go down once a week or even more is really painful at times. Each trip actually cost me five dollars, which is not a very kind figure on my ezlink card. And with fellowship groups in evening, i never get to reach home anytime earlier than 11pm on days i have to go ntu. On good days i won't mind. On bad days, it'll really be a struggle for me to go down there. Nothing wrong with the group per se, but i guess it's my fear of commitment and pure distance factor that discourages me from joining them at times. And also the dynamics of the group needs some getting used to. It's been a surprise for me to observe awkward silences during post-service dinners. It's just so... different. Haiz.
I like lively environments, noisy people. I like to be around happening things, making things happen. I like to be around attractive people. It's very superficial, but more often than not they are more interesting people to know, and more expressive in their actions, words and deeds as well. However, sadly, these people are often the ones that live for today alone. When one day we do part on our ways, not many will remember me as a friend i suppose. Though i'm usually able to differentiate between friends and acquiantances, but sometimes (dumbly enough) i'll still give more time and effort in the acquaintances for hope that one day they'll 'upgrade' to being friends.
I like chatting with people online, over msn or emails. It gives me more opportunity organise my thoughts into words, and the courage to voice out opinions and matters that i'd not be able to say face to face. Probably as a result i realized i suffer a communication skill deficency while talking to people face-to-face. Text chats a convenient way to shaft words and opinions into people face, without having to suffer the consequential emotions of the person. And also, the tone of the message is often up to the interpretation of the reader, even if it was punctuated with emoticons and figures of speech. Arguably, it's certainly not the best form of interpersonal communications, just like all official correspondences of any sort.
Enough of reflections. I just can't focus. Even while i was typing this entire chunk, i was msning with at least 3 other people, playing spider solitaire, and checking my email. What kind of focus do you call that?
Yesterday's tp choir's practice was pretty ok. And it was also then i come to know about consort's involvement in tpjc's concert on 31 may. yet another chance to perform. yeay. And yesterday was the first time i heard the male chorus practice. The sound's good but there's just no life in the music. No expression. Probably a common problem in most school groups. Hopefully they'll improve over time, given their frequency of practices. And yesterday prac with the male chorus, then i realized that my sightsinging has improved somewhat, after months of singing with consort. Gee. Sounded pretty rusty yesterday though. Especially my E notes. So urgh. Celtic was damn nice. And super easy to sight sing. The jap song was slightly tougher to read cuz it was fast. Oh, weiwei did a good job upstaging kenny (as expected) during his solo in usuli. Kenny's got a nice tone though, very cheena, very suitable for usuli. Hopefully the tp people gives him a break from all those mocking and he'll perform better. Credo was damn nice too, very soothing and probably one of the most seasoned piece of tp.
Like what i told weiwei, i think i'm just catching up on lost time that i should have experienced during my jc days as a chorister. ;)
Shannon left at 1:42 p. m..
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