my.escape

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.

martes, marzo 28, 2006

[ 1127. Thoughts, Thoughts ]

Boredom can really drive you crazy. And boredom doesn't occur when you are idle and not having anything to do, but it's more of a state where you don't know where are you heading towards at this point in time.

I wonder why, but actually i was pondering upon last week's prayer meet. Actually, i kind of dreaded going down last friday. But i know i had to go. And indeed, it felt good after the prayer meet, as it has been the case for any previous meets. Today i wondered about certain feelings that i felt during the meet. About this sense of guilt, this sense of contriteness that i never fail to feel during a time of prayer and worship to God. I looked around during worship, i wondered, does everyone here actually goes through the same emotion cycle as i do? Is this thing that we call joy in the Lord, something that has been made morbid by us, that we have to go all broken before God before we can feel this thing called 'joy'? What is joy? Does joy comes from the satisfaction that we have obeyed the Lord, though it may means going through hard times? Through experiencing contradictory emotions that we experience when we try to differentiate between absolute truth and relative truth? Or is joy derived from happiness, like many secular scrolls teach us so?

In short, is this thing we call the christian walk, a voluntary emotional roller coaster we subject ourselves to? Chris answered that through these experiences, we know the absolute truth and change for the better. But does the world actually need a better person? What is a better person?

I haven't been attending church due to consort commitments for the past couple of weeks. And yes, there's this emptiness in me, but ironically on the other hand i feel fulfilled. Probably it's the novelty of doing something different, and this is very likely to be temporal. And it will only be a matter of time before i go crawling back to church and try to fit in, as what i've been doing for the past 2 years. Today as i met the guys up for supper after their movie, i realized how much i missed them. As a group. And i also realized that we have always been meeting God as a group, but how many of us actually met God as individuals?

I believe i've reached a stage where i need some concrete answers, more than just feelings, testimonies and emotional outbursts. I'm not leaving church definitely, but i think i want to have a reason to renew this fire in me. Like many professed christians out there, i believe that God is my Saviour.

But is he my Lord as well...?

Shannon left at 11:38 p. m..

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the guy

xuan shannon male single 030985.
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gone. will i be back? i don't know. maybe i've started elsewhere. maybe never. again.