my.escape

jueves, marzo 24, 2005

[ 834. Melancholy ]

God knows how many entries have i labelled melancholy. Haha. Well, i've got a story to tell. Yes, it's about me. And a friend.

We took boss' car to northpoint today after work. I had boss's laptop, and my own bag, while he decided to travel light. We alighted, and walked towards the bus interchange. He unconsciously walked on a bit faster, and i didn't realized until he deliberately slowed down to walk beside me, and grinned at me. I jokingly mocked him, "never mind lo... walk faster, go, go, walk faster!" And he did. Till we reached the escalator, he pointed to the escalator and being the ego me, i waved bye with that stupid grin on my face. He did likewise. And even at the escalator, he looked back again, waiting for me to ask him to stay. I pretend to walk on. As he went down, i walked back and waited at the top of the escalator. Three minutes. Five minutes. He didn't came up as i hoped he did. I messaged him, and ask if he'd serious about taking train home. He did. And me? Took my long bus ride home...

We are both egoistic people. I knew that he'd really go down that escalator rather than change his path to join me if i didn't tried to make him stay. I guess he didn't expect that i'd just walk on and didn't even hint at asking him to stay. I know that he knows that i needed him more as a friend than he needed a friend like me. I thought he may turn back and we both laughed the whole incident off as a joke, but he didn't. I hoped he'd at least start smsing me, but that text never came. I felt surprisingly calm, though disappointed, when i messaged him to see if he's really gone on the train.

Changes? I'm just tasting my desserts that i dished out ages ago i guess.

I was reminded by something that mx said. What do you actually offer to your friends around you that makes them keep coming back to you, and wanting to spend more time with you? What have you got to give to them, rather than what you want to receive from them is how you retain friends.

BBCDT ended yesterday afternoon, and i was held up by the printing of the certificates till about eleven pm. Finally off to bed, i forgotten to return a key and i was literally called out of bed to go down and return that key. Couldn't believe that no one actually bothered to ask me what's wrong, or even volunteered to help. All i heard was, "it's your own fault, so why should you complain?"

Enghow messaged me yesterday to ask me out for dinner today before he booked in for duty on Good Friday. Though i didn't readily agree, i told him mostly likely it should be ok. I wanted to take off to get home and sleep this afternoon, but was unfortunately denied the off-pass by sgt chua, though he promised that i could go and sleep in the afternoon.

I spent the afternoon compiling the gen-acts survey instead of sleeping though. And when i called enghow to confirm the arrangements, he couldn't make it as he's gonna meet derek and a friend. Was sort of looking forward to meet him after a tiring week, but of course i could express my disappointment directly to him. Well, maybe it's a good thing, maybe it happened that way so that i won't unload my problems to him when i meet him. I seriously forgotten when was the last time he unloaded his on me.

When Tom messaged me about CG tomorrow, i already had things on. I'm very unwilling to make changes, cuz i was tired of last minute notifications, and also i didn't want to spend time explaining to others about changes. I don't want, and don't need people to accomodate me. Back to tom. Yeah, unsurprisingly, summarised my hazy week into 3 long messages and unloaded it to him. Felt bad almost immediately for imposing my woes upon the usual chirpy tom.

Which brings me to another point. Technology is really a bane. Things like sms has enabled us to intrude into other's life. Allowed us to impose selfishly upon others. We could just unload my problems and sorrows on people who are not necessarily willing to listen to you by messaging them. And since it's sent to them, they are obliged to read, more so if they weren't expecting anything of that sort to come about. Imposing selfishly, because we wouldn't know what situation the other party is in now, what emotion state is that person in or simply if he's willing to listen. No longer valid is the model of one can only receive if he reaches out his hand to receive. Now things are being thrust in their face like a cream pie.

I've found myself switching off handphones more frequently. Perhaps i'm scared of work, perhaps i'm tired. Perhaps.

I admit, I have a different work philosophy. I want to do more than the average NSF, and to make my 2.5 years a more fruitful one. To some, my ambition has serious repercussions to the platoon as a whole. While i work on some extra stuff alone, and rarely seen in the office, i'm being seen as a threat. A sore thumb sticking out. Possibly resulting in unnecessary work for others as well. You know the theory of diffusion? Work diffuses from a source of higher concentration to that of a lower concentration. So i've been meekly avoiding arrows. A few occasions i was tempted to take on some tasks, but i changed my mind. Change of plans. I chose to help boss with his work rather. Whatever he had to do, i gave him a hand or two. And so far... things are working fine.

Things haven't been going fine in the platoon recently. Boss in a foul mood, mine not being very great either. Eric's got an unfortunate task from cpt jameson, which to his dismay was tougher than his fyp. And there's the ds issue, which sgt chua and we signallers can't see eye to eye with. The quota of people taking off per day issue, and many more. You can read more from eric's blog though.

Off. I'm gonna talk a little about this off issue. SSG suresh maintained that he wanted at least half the platoon to be in camp on any working day, hence putting a cap on the number of people who can take off in a day. Off, is on a first come first served basis. For example today, i was denied my off in the afternoon as about 8 people were not going to be around. This happened despite boss's agreement that i could take off today if i stayed back and finish up those certs last night. This happened despite my high number of offs and my seniority in the platoon. This happened. I ended up playing pinball the whole afternoon, apart from finishing up those surveys compilation.

And yes, i'm glad i let him took his train home and i went on my bus. Think we both had not too good a week, and needed some time alone.

Shannon left at 7:38 p. m..

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.

jueves, marzo 24, 2005

[ 834. Melancholy ]

the guy

his wishes

his horizons

people.

tags

gone. will i be back? i don't know. maybe i've started elsewhere. maybe never. again.

jueves, marzo 24, 2005

[ 834. Melancholy ]

the guy

his wishes

his horizons

people.

tags

gone.

will i be back?
i don't know.
maybe i've started elsewhere.
maybe never. again.