jueves, junio 26, 2003
[ 139. Reflections ]
Joshua asked us to do a very important thing today... Let's reflect upon my quarter 2.
Quarter 2 has been a meandering time for me. Ups and downs... especially with so many things that happened in choir. Guess one of my major learning points is how God as chosen to use my choir, something that i love and hate a lot, so teach me so much about Himself.
During the syf period, i've been giving so much to the practices, to fellowshipping with the choir members, that i really just shelf God and my cg aside. Thinking that choir could have been a replacement, i thought i've found another family. However, as the practices intensifies, upon reflection, i realize that choir couldn't give me what the care group could have given me: an accepting environment, a place where people will truly help one another grow, change and learn. However, i still stuck with them, as we had a common goal to attain. Well, vision draws us together, but only love binds us together. In choir, we have a vision for syf, but there's no love. We are only together structurally, even though going through, as my conductor puts it, so much thick and thin and imagining we are at the beach, everything, and i mean everything fell into smithereens when we got our measly bronze for syf. Yeah, we cried together, so? We happen to sit down near each other and cry. Crying for each other? No way. Crying for the defeat? No way. Crying for the loss of face after fighting so much. That's more like it.
Well, i was bitter against God then. Why did He allow this to happen even though what we did was perfectly biblical, you know, giving our best, sowing in terms of practices and so on? I guess i forsaken Matthew 6:33 "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.". I forsaken my first love. I've used God's name in vain, thinking that His name alone is just another passport to success. Even right after the concert a week later, my relationship with the choir is rather surface i guess. I made attempts to salvage it, but apparently it's not getting anywhere. That's when i really pondered upon, and slowly realign my position with Christ, renew my vision as how jason has asked me, "Why do we serve God?". As i slowly shared and become more transparent to my leaders, i am able to return to the times of great experiences with God and deep fellowship with the PT people.
My main turning point is during the church camp, as jason directed me and weilong to plan for fellowship and huddle times, i realize how much i don't know about my people, and i just felt the tug in my heart to really know my guys better. How well did i know bowen? nicholas? freedy? I guess all i knew was their schools, age, stream and telephone numbers. As i really talked to them, and even some other brothers in the PT group, i simply felt so ashamed. Even during one of the teachings, i was truly convicted Hebrews 5:12 "In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food!" I've been slacking for too long. 5 years in church, what the heck am i doing? Let's get this right once and for all with God. God i really want to move on in Your Kingdom. No more procrastination. And right after the camp, i begin to have a breakthrough in my understanding of God, and as well as found a new motivation to love my people, to serve my people and to serve God.
Of course, my recovery is all not that rosy. As i work, i rubbed shoulders with the people i work with. People has become more distant from me... people gotten closer. Well, i've given my emotions up to God as well, trusting Him enough not to dwell on lost friendships. Treasured whatever memories i have, and move on with what i have now. So in all...
God, thanks for this quarter. Really thanks a million for what you've done... i finally understand...
Shannon left at 12:15 a. m..
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